In today's fast-paced world, the average on-the-go web surfer doesn't have time to sift through the volumes of erotic stories available through the magic of the internet.

To wit, there is a need for a set of easy-to-remember guidelines for use in eliminating text which will fail to titillate adequately before the user has become too involved.

Though I consider myself a novice in this arena, I do hold a degree in creative writing and hence a basic understanding of narrative structure, with which I will endeavor to provide a few good clues.

Here, then, are a few signs that the erotic tale you are perusing may not be up to snuff:

  • The phrase "36-DD" appears in the first paragraph.
  • The phrases "My sister's friend," or "Niagra Falls" appear anywhere in the text.
  • Female genitalia referred to as "love mound," "beaver," or "naughty bits."
  • Male genitalia referred to as "tubesteak," "hammer," or "soldier."
  • Writer's name includes the words "Master," "Sir," or "Mel."
  • The phrase, "This chick walks up to me," appears anywhere in the text.
  • The terms "slurping," "banging," "boner," "stiffie," and/or "doin'" occur frequently during the racier bits.
  • The sexual act is referred to as "the nasty," "the wild thing," or "the electric slide."
Just one little phrase:

"glistening drop of pre-cum"
Once you see that one, it's time to move on.

Other warning signs include:

These are, of course, just some general guidelines. Various subcultures do have their own rules and situations, some of which break the above suggestions (Elf Sternberg comes to mind) and some of which add heavily to these suggestions.

Can you tell I have exacting standards for textporn?

* For reference, he has written better porn than most internet porn. See Bio of a Space Tyrant, Tarot, the later books in the Xanth series, Anthonolgy, any in the Mode series, any in the Incarnations of Imortality series... you get the idea.**
** One does have to wonder, though, if this is a comment on Piers Anthony or a comment on the quality of internet porn.***
*** It's a comment on both. They both suck.
Watch out for:
  1. No punctuation at all the story just rolls on the writer thinks he is James Joyce but clearly he is not
  2. e.e. cummingitis, namely lack of uppercase letters
  3. vast groups of sex-crazed nymphettes
  4. vast groups of people with incredible sex drive, a lot of money, very successfull lifes
  5. conveniently placed tropical islands: having no natives, no government and no presence in maps, they are uniquely fitted as sets for bad porn.
  6. magic sex-change devices, like an enchanted ring, a magic bra ...
  7. excessively focused obsessions. Obsession is good, but if a story starts like this:
    "Pens. Ooooh, pens. I really like pens, I thought, as Miss Penworth strutted in front of me, wearing a shirt in pen-blue, pencil trousers and carrying a box brimming with two hundred pens. Pens turn me on, I can't stop thinking about pens, pens, pens !"
    just dump it, even if you have a pen fetish.
  8. Cute author names (read about it in my How to have sex with a dolphin rant).
  9. If nothing exciting appears in the first four minutes of reading, you can safely assume that the author gave in to literature. He fancies himself Marcel Proust (or maybe James Joyce). He will spend hours and hours of your valuable time stumbling through the groundwork of characters. There is a possibility he will even eschew sex at all.
    Let us face it: if you got the file from HotInternetFreePorn.com, it means that you want the dildos, the buttplugs, the lesbian sex kittens and, generally speaking, the pr0n thing.
    So scratch the file, and go re-read The Man without Qualities.
  10. Character description consists entirely of numbers: "John appeared in the doorway, his 10" cock gently waving in the morning breeze. He stretched his manful, 6 ft 4" body and said 'Duh'.".
  11. Hard bodied youngsters doing hot and sweaty work in the backyard as the horny neighbor (male or female) watches them, subsequently inviting them over for a glass of iced tea, and finally rutting for hours of glorious, amazing sex.
  12. Physical impossibilities, like a ponygirl wearing a buttplug and a gag for one week.

Of course theres the most blatant tipoff that your story has come fresh out of the overactive imagination of a 12 yearold with a hard cock who hasnt yet passed his english exams -- namely, grammar, or lack thereof:

"His hot stiff one slide into me and pleasure ahh yes I have much!!!"

You might think I'm just being stupid, but I recently read a story (someone forwarded it to me, its not like I go out on usenet looking for such crap!) and the grammar was just so appalling it took the whole story to the point of being an absolute joke!

Update:
Here it is, I found the one that inspired me to write this:

  • By 10 AM she was already inside a teen clothes' store in a nearby mall, a place specialized in female teen garment, with lot's of sexy stuff.
  • The straps were very thin and constantly rided down her shoulders, sometimes falling in her arms
  • Since it was a large top her hooters were exposed when she bended or even arched her back a little more than usual
  • The girl was also wearing the micro skirt she had just brougth
  • I felt very sexy in my outfit and was crazy to test it's effect on men.
I think you've heard enough...

Unless of course, you have a bad grammar fetish... grin

My tipoff is when the narrator drops into language that is clearly inappropriate to the characters or setting.

For example, if 15 year-old Catholic schoolgirl Suzy has just awakened the hormones of chaste and pious Father Murphy, a dedicated man who has never had an ungodly thought in his 57 years, the good priest is going to be rather trepadatious. He will be examining his feelings, excited by his new consciousness of his body, but still possibly doubtful and anxious. The narrator can communicate this using fumbling or uncertain language. Father Murphy is NOT going to "unsheathe his throbbing cock and guide it towards her virgin asshole." And Little Suzy, even if she is thoroughly overwhelmed by her lust for the man she loves -- she realizes now, she has always loved, ever since he saved her from her abusive parents when she was nine and brought her to the academy to study under his guidance -- is not going to shout "Do me!" If either of them has heard the term at all, they are definitely not going to spell it "cumming." Neither should the text.

Honestly, I think the line between pornography, or even erotica, and real literature is not nearly as firm as we imagine. But even porn that exists solely to help inexperienced 13 year-olds beat off is more enjoyable, and less dehumanizing, when it takes its characters seriously and presents them as coherent people rather than graceless puppets. Please, pr0n authors of the world, give them their own voice... even if they aren't going to have their mouths free very much.
Note, this writeup has been moved to this node by an editor

Ohh, what a delicious title for a nodeshell!

Yes, there's nodes about how to spot bad internet porn stories, but picking it in the first paragraph should be a vital skill!. If it's truly bad pr0n, you don't want to be half way through the preamble before you discover that the quality of writing goes south at around about the same time as the characters do.

So here's some tip-offs that I came up with to alert you straight away:

I never thought that this would happen to a guy like me -- I'm happily married with a wife who is 5"4' with nice tits and a firm ass, who I never thought would have lesbian tendencies, but one day my 36-DD stepsister "Bambi" (she is almost exactly around the same age as me), came over with her sexy friend, "Candi," a young virgin nun who had just that day decided to now break her vows of chastity. "Hello Randy" Bambi huskily whispered to me from across the room as she entered the door in her "I-want-to-have-hot-four-way-sex-with-you-and-your-hot-wife-and-my-hot-sexy-nun-friend" voice. "Why, come on in, Bambi and Candi" declares my wife, who is clearly in on the whole thing, with a saucy wink.

Then my step-sister's friend comes in and holy shit she is still dressed in her full-blown nun habit. This chick walks up to me, and instantly begins slurping on my 10" boner, which was gently waving in the morning breeze, and before you know it her face was covered with my glistening drop of pre-cum. "MMMM, oh yeah, give me that stiffie in my face" she cried out. Then she gasped, "I was raised in Catholic school on a desert island and never learned anything about sex. But now I know I need your extra-large tubesteak deep in my love mound!! Oh, and later on, in my ass!!" I stretched my manful, 6 ft 4" body and flipped her over and lofted her in the air and began servicing her moistened beaver parts with my gigantic tongue while holding her by her young, unmolestered nun-tits while my hot wife and my volumino-- er, vulvuptious-- um, voluptittyous -- well she's got big tits -- step-sister knelt and patted my swollen man-hammer and strocked upon my rock-hard man-abs.

Then without missing a beat they all took turns doing their naughty bits up and down all over my stiff sexual stud soldier until their cum was flowing like Niagra Falls, sometimes pausing from riding my stallion to do the nasty with each other with their tongues. We kept banging in all of their holes all day, and all night, and all day the next day, without needing to stop to eat or sleep because we were feeding off each others sex juices. At last, I was all cocked out from doing the wild things with three fuckin' hot chicks, one of whom was a virgin nun, all night!!

Then I heard Candi the nun announce, "okay the sex ritual is done, it is time for the sacrifice," and my wife and step-sister both shouted "yes!!" and I exclaimed "wait, what the fuck?" and turned around and the last thing I saw was that fucking nun swinging the hatchet down on my head. Oh, and that's the part I never thought would happen to a guy like me. THE END.

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