You may be thinking, why would someone who seems to go out to oppress and control drug addicts and drunkards want to be making cider. The answer, it’s simply for the science and for the “art” (plus I can tempt people in, then place a sac over their head and drag them into some ghetto). So here is a simple method anyone with a large garden can use.

Ingredients: One Apple tree (any kind.)

A source of water

>Equipment: 2 Bowls




A Jug

Method: Allow Apple tree to fruit.

Collect Apples that have already fallen to the ground.

Place some water into the bowl.

Place the Apples you have collected into the bowl of water.

Cut them up (the apples) with the secateurs (you may skip this part but it makes it easier)

Crush the Apples with the pliers, in the bowl.

Place the bowl in a dark place.

Every day, go and smell the bowl and the room. Do this until the room smells of apple juice and the bowl smells of alcohol.

Pour the liquid in the bowl into another bowl, using your hands to stop the solid apple getting in. You may wish to repeat this step with a sieve and another bowl, but this is not vital to the process.

Pour the contents of the bowl with the liquid (cider) into the jug.

You may now pour the cider into any cup, glass, mouth etc. However if you wish to store it, you should pour it into some bottles. As for a cork, use any random trinket you can find in the house or garden.

You may be wondering, how you could produce cider using such a simple method. Surely I should be getting yeast from somewhere. What’s the point of getting the apples straight from the tree, surely that discriminates our urban residents from the process? The reason is simple, yeast lives totally naturally on the skin of apples, meaning that given the right conditions they can ferment it anyway. The reason I think you should use apples fresh from the tree is because super market apples will have been irradiated, thus destroying the yeast, making this process next to impossible. The kind of cider I’m telling you about has a very unpredictable level of alcohol, usually very high. When I smelt the first cider I made using this method, it gave me mild gut rot almost instantly (although there may be other reasons). For an interesting night of drinking this cider, lock yourself in a room and leave the designated driver on the outside with a weapon, with the job of keeping you inside.

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