How to make a weapon out of duct tape

Have you ever wanted to use duct tape as a weapon? If you have, then I know a way! This writeup desribes how to make a ball and chain type weapon. It can be swung around or thrown. It is awkward to wield, but your enemies will probably be too intimidated (or incapacitated by laughter) to care.

First, you will need some materials:

• Gravel, sand, or some other similar substance.
• A roll of duct tape, that wonderful all purpose adhesive.

Got all that? Good! Now we can start. First, form the gravel (or whatever you are using as an alternative) into a vague ball shape, held together by duct tape, about 10 cm. in diameter. You will want to apply the first layer of tape as you are making the ball shape. Once you've done that, you want to make sure that the tape around the ball is fairly thick; it wouldn't do to have gravel leaking out.

Now, assuming you have come this far, you have a heavy ball that looks like it was made from solid duct tape. This is the business end, but you will also need a tether to hold on to as you swing this thing around. Get a piece of duct tape about as long as you want the tether to be, plus about 30 cm. extra. Fold this in half so the sticky sides stick together. You'll want to fold this along the whole tether, so after you've finished folding the tether will still be full length but half as wide. This will leave you with a cord that you can hold on to; now to attach it to the ball.

Wrap one end of the tether around the ball and attach it firmly with plenty of duct tape. Don't be stingy unless you want your carefully made weapon to come apart. Your weapon is now fully functional, if somewhat spartan. Still, it would be nice if you had a handle.

If you want to add a handle, you could loop the bottom part of your tether back around and reattach it to itself with -- you guessed it -- liberal amounts of duct tape.

Now that you have your weapon the only thing left to do is to name and decorate it. What you name it should reflect your personality. If you like RPGs, you could give it a name like Ogresmasher. If you are feeling silly, you can name it Frank. If you just want to whack stuff with it, you can safely skip this part.

Congratulations, you are now the prowd owner of a truly manly weapon! Feel the testosterone!

Given that the purpose (most of the time) of a weapon is to induce your opponent to change their mind about something, it is not always necessary (or even desirable) to have a weapon that you actually expect to use (see Nuclear Deterrence). With this in mind, there are even more entertaining possibilities here!

Ideally, a weapon is even more impressive if it requires skill to wield, and the wielder has produced a convincing display (or front) that they in fact possess said skill. Martial arts are a prime example, particularly those which require quickness and precision over sheer muscle power. Bruce Lee with nunchaku would never make anyone believe he was *stronger* than, say, Andre the Giant at his prime; however, he would damn well come across as more lethal.

So, what can we do with duct tape that would, when mixed with precision and speed, produce the promise of (adopts Saruman voice) PAIN! Hm. Well. Ever managed to get duct tape stuck firmly to your epidermis, especially if you have *any* body hair whatsoever? Right. Ouch. Worse yet, ever managed to get it stuck firmly across a really sensitive spot like, say, a nipple? Sure, it's not a problem to have it stuck there. It's the jerking it off (heh) that's the problem.

So: Picture yourself in a dark alley, one day, just minding your skulking-in-a-dark-alley-business. Suddenly, from around the corner, there steps a figure in a costume not unmindful of The Blue Rajah, but rather than attack dinnerware, this figure raises its hands to show you its finely-machined, form-fitting, wrist-mounted...

duct tape dispensers.

Then, just picture the horror, as said figure smoothly leaps into an intricate dance of martial power and clarity, during which you feel the light and feathery touch of its hands across your lips, your wrists, the backs of your hands, the back of your neck, and in fact any other exposed skin...

...and when he, she or it has finished, returning to the beginning pose of relaxed readiness, you look down to find that all across your body, squares of duct tape have been firmly affixed to your most sensitive points, complete with handy double-looped dangling ends...

...the easier for your opponent to grasp them by and pull.

and the screams echo throughout the back ways of the city...