If you haven’t already, you really need to have a good motif. Think of all the good, evil villains, they all had a good theme to work with. Whether it’s the Joker and all his clowns or the Devil and all his demons (the ultimate evil villain), you’ve got to have a theme. I would encourage any up-and-comer to get that out of the way first.

It’s also a good idea to round up some henchmen who will be willing to go along with your motif (don’t use the word “motif” as it comes across a little swishy). Let’s say, for instance that you went with a name like “Duke of the Death”, it’s scary and it gives you a little rank that may come in handy later. All your henchmen could dress like the Grim Reaper or something. At least, throw a few skulls on the uniform so that they can tell each other apart from other henchmen (in case they attend the annual Henchmen Appreciation Day banquet).

The banquet is held every year, in Palm Springs, giving those hard working goons a chance to relax, unwind and swap war stories with other minions. Remember, they’re union and need to be given vacation.

But I digress.

For all the evil villains that try, only a handful will make it big. Fighting the high profile battles with only the elite of super heroes. It’s hard to take over the world without a good theme and a stable of reliable henchman. Remember, the best way to display your cruelty is to randomly kill one of your henchmen for something trivial. It’s an understood risk to henchmen and still falls within the boundaries of H.U.O. (Henchmen Union Ordinance) 33-4.

Plans for world domination must be elaborate and original. Never try to crash the stock market or bomb a government building; all this has been done before by people less evil than you. You need to be unique (bonus points for a plan that encompasses your motif with the destruction). A few oldies but goodies are the giant beam of energy, unleashing hordes of dark minions or you could just build a big ol’ bomb and fling that around. Whatever you do, think big. Think glamorous. Think Las Vegas.

Now, you need a secret lair where you can devise evil. The best lair is one that is hidden in a volcano or underground. Depending on your chosen motif, you might have a downtown skyscraper that serves as your legal front. Once again, think elaborate and spectacular. Going back to the Duke of Death idea, your hideout could be in the shape of a giant skull. This will combine your theme with your lair and it serves to keep Avon from calling or those annoying kids selling magazines. Remember, you’re evil; you don’t subscribe to magazines.

A pet can add mystique to your already chilling demeanor. Imagine, sitting in your evil skull-chair (Duke of Death theme still), stroking your evil ocelot or scary owl, while you devise more elaborate and hellish plans. This is the kind of stuff that’s going to take up most of your day – evil devising.

Try and master one obscure skill. Be it fencing or chess or even dominoes, as long as you’re so good that you grow weary of always winning. If you do get your foe captured, you can challenge him to a match of whatever you’re chosen skill is. Think about beating the goody-two-shoes at a game that you’ve selected. It makes you look like a gentleman. But an evil gentleman, which is really creepy (think of Christopher Walken).

A few words of advice:

-If you plan on killing your arch nemesis, don’t ask for him (or her) to be brought to you alive. All this will do is cost you a bunch of henchmen (which aren’t cheap to train) and lead all the wrong attention to your secret lair.

-When you have your sworn enemy surrounded, don’t let your henchmen attack one at a time.

-Refrain from discussing your future plans with any prisoners. They have a habit of escaping and using the information to destroy you.

-It’s always good to have an escape route. Chances are, at one point in your diabolical career, you’re going to have to push that Self Destruct Button. When this happens make sure you can get away and surface, years later, unexpectedly and even more evil.

-Don’t have pictures of your family around your lair. You’re supposed to be the epitome of all things dark and sinister; people like that don’t have families.

-Brood. As much as possible, if you have time, it makes you all the more mysterious.

-If your super hero enemy has a secret identity, learn it. No reason, just because.

-Have a good pen with you at all times. Impress your guests with a shiny skull pen and the battle will be half won.

Hopefully, this will be enough to get you started on your road to evil. Have fun and be yourself but a more evil version of yourself. Don’t let a few failures get you down. Remember you’re evil and you ARE going to take over the world.

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