How to be a badass

Badasses. You've seen them on TV, you've seen them in prison, hell you've probably been mugged by one. Do you long to be a badass? Long no further, sissy boy.

Firstly, to be a badass you must think like a badass. You may see a pair of scissors, but to a badass, it's a "throat removal device". A badass would remove your throat instead of trying to cut some string. It works for many household objects. A kettle? Used for boiling water for your morning tea? Nope, that's a "scalding device". Bag of change? Used to purchase candy? Nope, that's a bruising device. Baseball bat? Afraid not, that's used for breaking ribs. You get the idea.

Next, you must start your day like a badass. How do you start your day? I bet it's something like...

Wake up.
Eat some cheerios.
Feed your cat.
Brush your hair.
Go outside and wait for the bus.
Catch the bus, pay your fare and sit down quietly.

Right? If so, then you, my friend, are not a badass. Here's how Chuck Norris does it.

Wake up hungover.
Eat some gunpowder.
Feed your albatross. (albatrosses are badass, don't ask why)
Brush the dry blood out of your hair.
Go outside and commandeer a bus.
Drive that sucker to the nearest cemetery and run down some mourning widows.

Try to do that in the morning, if possible. I know albatrosses are hard to come across, and gunpowder doesn't taste nice, but man, stop being such a sissy.

Next you have to beat some people up. If you don't beat people up for no reason whatsoever then people won't think you're a badass. Go outside and punch the first person you find, then you say "OI, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING FAGGOT, YOU GOT IN THE WAY OF MY FIST". Then before they even have time to respond, start beating on them until you knock them unconscious. Then you throw them into the middle of the road, commandeer the nearest steamroller and crush them. True badass style.

Here's a list of people who deserve to be beaten up.

Hippies

Vegetarians

The aged

Wil Wheaton (what a little shit)

Jehovas witnesses

Jehova himself

Also, you have to break the law. Here's a scene from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark that illustrates my point beautifully:

Waitress: Welcome to the Lost Ark cafe, may I take your order?
IJ: Yeah, I'll have a bucket of gunpowder.
Waitress: And to drink?
IJ: Five gallons of kerosene.
Waitress: (leaves and comes back)
Waitress: We're out of gunpowder, sir.
IJ: (gives the bitch a black eye) BITCH, YOU BETTER GO BACK THERE AND BREAK UP SOME SHOTGUN SHELLS. IF I DON'T GET MY GUNPOWDER, I'LL TORCH THIS PLACE.
Waitress: (cowers and crawls away)
Manager: (comes to the table) Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to...
IJ: (grabs manager, breaks him in half over his knee and looks at the waitress) I'm getting tired of this place, have you got my gunpowder?
Waitress: I'm sorry sir, we don't have any. I got your kerosene though.
IJ: (downs the kerosene in one, undoes zipper and pisses all over the waitress's face)
Waitress: Oh gross!
IJ: (pulls out lighter, ignites kerosine-laden urine and laughs as the waitress goes up in flames)

See, he knows that arson is illegal, but does he care? Hell no, he's a badass. Signs on walls can give you pointers on what to do, here are some examples.

"No smoking" - smoke
"No alcohol" - drink
"Highly flammable" - get your matches

Nexy lesson, avenge things. Badasses always avenge things, be it their father's death, or the loss of a sandwich, they will avenge it. Here's something that happened to my friend "Dangerous Dave"

DD: (bumps into some guy and spills his pint everywhere)
Guy: Sorry mate, let me buy you another one.
DD: (look of pure malice)
Guy: Hey, don't worry about it man, I said I'll buy you another one.
DD: Are you going to buy me a new shirt too?
Guy: No, now you're just being ridiculous.
DD: Don't worry about it, no harm done. (turns around and goes back to his seat)

Right now you're probably thinking "Huh? Dave's a pussy, why didn't he kick that guy's ass?" Just watch, Dave does it with style.
(15 minutes later)
DD: (taps guy on the shoulder) Excuse me.
Guy: Yeah? Oh hey, I remember you from the bar.
DD: Wanna hear a joke?
Guy: Sure.
DD: What did the glass bottle say to the face?
Guy: I don't know, what?
DD: SMASH! *proceeds to bottle the sissy*
Guy: Oh Jesus Christ! I think I'm dying!
DD: Don't worry, I'll buy you a new bottle.

See how skillfully Dave avenged his pint? Pure brilliance.

Well that's pretty much the basics of being a badass. There's still much more to learn though, like ninjitsu and piracy.

Did you like my guide? Good, because I don't like you, you sissy.

I should know better by now than to respond with my own personal feelings about a write up but I feel somewhat compelled since what esteemed user Haddock seems to be describing seems to be more of what I’d call an “asshole” than a “badass”. There’s a big difference.

First of all, let me state that real badasses don’t advertise. They don’t need to. They can usually stop a fight by looking at someone cockeyed and even though they seem just like you and me, you can usually tell them apart the minute you see them. They’re the quiet ones that would rather walk away from a potential fight than to get involved. It usually takes a lot of prompting to get them provoked but when the right buttons are pushed, look out. The person that did the provoking will be sorry they ever thought about tangling assholes.

Real badasses don’t brag about their exploits and in fact, often times seem embarrassed over them. When forced into conversation about them, they usually state that whatever they did to earn their reputation was no big deal. Real badasses don’t like to make spectacles of themselves like some kind of poser putting a show for the world to see. Those folks are a dime a dozen and a real badass would chew them up and spit them out like a piece of spinach that was caught between their teeth.

Real badasses are nice people until the time comes when it’s no longer prudent to be nice. Even then, they take pity on the posers who got their motor running in the first place and rather then send them to the hospital, might just subdue them until they realize the error of their ways. Real badasses like to observe the goings on around them and to have a plan should things take a turn for the worst. They rarely act on emotion. For them, it’s simply business.

Real badasses don’t pick on nuns, orphans, widows, cripples, little children or pets. Instead, real badasses defend them.

They’ll leave that other type of behavior to the assholes of the world.