So, you've become the parent of a baby boy. Congratulations!
Hopefully you've finished your celebratory cigars, christened your new lad, and probably sliced off his foreskin. You'll soon come to realize that boys have a fancy little trick you're going to need to know about.
I won't keep you in suspense. The trick to which I refer is that a baby boy has the uncanny ability to wait until the cool night air awakens their bladder. In other words, a baby boy will wait until you've got them all nekkid from the waist down to start peeing. Now, I'll grant you that as a man there are worse urination problems with which baby boys will one day be forced to deal. However, as a parent I'm not sure that male urination gets much worse.
Eventually, and probably some day soon, you will find yourself in this situation: You've got your little bundle of joy stripped down to his original packaging at a rest stop near Wall, South Dakota. You're just about to finish the ceremonial smearing of the A&D ointment on your son's ass when a little fountain catches your attention. While your attention had been otherwise diverted on the task of diaper rash prevention, your kid has decided to, in one glorious movment, evacuate all 3 gallons of fluid that populate his body.
You'll need to act quickly in order to minimize the damages. Here are some tips:
- Don't panic.
- Quickly reach for some sort of containment barrier. You do have a washcloth handy for just such an occasion, right?
- Don't just stand there with the washcloth, cover that boy's penis for crying out loud. (Some folks will actually opt for a conically shaped device specifically engineered with the explicit purpose of deflecting baby urine--the pee-pee-tee-pee).
Okay, good news, we've got the most clear and present danger under control. Now it's time for damage control. Here are a few problem areas to check on:
- In baby culture, it is widely understood to be an extreme honor to urinate all over one's parents. Be aware of this cultural phenomenon and ensure that any of your urine soaked clothing can be changed. Hey, you didn't think they made diaper bags so big just for diapers did you? You should always have another change of the most vital bits of clothing.
- In utero, babies float around in, among other things, their own urine. Because of this, you shouldn't be surprised when your baby boy seems less disappointed than you that he's managed to piss all over his face. When you clean this up, and you should clean it up, ensure that you use a towel to soak up any urine that may have pooled in your baby's ears. I can't think of anything grosser than a baby whose ears smell like urine. Actually, come to think of it I can think of a number of "grosser" things, but that's another node entirely.
- Women, it's time someone told you this: There's a homing device implanted in the male penis which makes it point directly at the nearest mirror. Awkward that you now know this, I know. Because of this nifty little artifact, however, your baby will be prone to leave a little trail of wonderful-ness on any mirrors in the proximity of where he is being changed. If you want to leave this urinary graffiti on the mirror by your changing table at home be my guest. However, please do have the decency to clean up the community mirror in the family restroom at the mall after junior has attempted to write his name in cursive on it.