TBBK's Guide for Hotel Guests
So are you ready to take that dream vacation? Or maybe you just need to go on a small business trip. Use this handy guide to maximize your hotel enjoyment, while making friends among both the staff and the other guests.
Gone are the days of old where you actually had to make reservations for the exact dates you planned on traveling. This is the 21st century, and the rules have changed. Just take a wild guess as to when you wish to arrive, then blame the hotel clerk if you show up on the wrong day. Do not mention any special requests when making your reservations, save those for a little bit later. Hotel employees love the challenge of fulfulling irrational requests at the last minute.
The one thing to keep in mind upon arriving at the hotel is that the hotel clerks are going to try and rip you off to make more money for the hotel. So the first thing you should do is complain about the price that you already agreed to pay when you made your reservations (which you didn't show up for the day before, but hey, one day off is pretty close). The best method of accomplishing this is to just keep berating the clerk about the price, over and over again. If this doesn't work, try wandering around the lobby an asking other guests what they are being charged. If someone has a lower price, you should demand the hotel gives you the same price.
Up to the room
There will be something wrong with the first room you are given. If everything seems perfect then you will need to fabricate a problem. Call down to the front desk and demand a new room, tell them to give you one of the good ones this time. Repeat this maneuver until you get bored. Once you finally settle in a room, you should call the front desk again. This time you are going to make all of those irrational demands that you have been saving up.
Ring, Ring, Ring
Your newly acquired hotel room will have several complicated electronic devices. The first of which will be the telephone. There are a few things that you should know about hotel telephones. The first is that they have several features, all of which are explained on a placard next to (or even attached to) the phone itself. Ignore these instructions, instead you should call down and ask the hotel clerk how to use the telephone. They enjoy explaining this, it is one of the few spots of joy in their otherwise pathetic little lives. Your hotel phone is good for calling room to room, but you should never use that feature, instead you should always have the hotel clerk transfer you manually to anyone you need to talk to. It is best if you give them the wrong room number the first time you attempt to make any calls, this keeps them on their toes.
Many hotels now a voice mail system, so people can leave messages for you when you are too busy annoying people to bother answering the phone. The system will ususally work by simply pressing a big button that says message waiting. This button will be lit up if anyone has left a message for you. Do not press this button. Instead call the hotel clerk and tell him that your message waiting light is on. If he asks if you pressed the button, simply tell him no and hang up. Repeat this as many times as you like.
Free hot pr0n
Are you feeling a mite randy? Looking for a little bit o' tail. You have several options. The first one is the easiest. Simply order one of the adult movies from the little box on the television, watch it long enough to masturbate, and then call down and tell the clerk that you pressed the wrong button, and need to have that movie taken off your bill. The second option is to demand that the hotel clerk find you the phone number of an escort service. This is easier said than done, as almost any service listed in the phone book will be out of business. When in doubt, combine both methods.
Time for bed
Your room will be equipped with an alarm clock, ignore this. Instead you should call the hotel clerk and ask him to give you a wake up call. It is important that you call the clerk before you decide what time you would like to be woken up, it is best to hang on the line for 30 seconds before deciding. You should call back and change your mind several times (but never by more than 5 minutes).
You should listen carefully for noises after you turn out the lights. Call the clerk any time you hear the slightest noise. The best sounds to complain about are the ones that come from outside of the hotel (such as road noise, airplanes, etc). It is a little known fact that hotel clerks can close roads and reroute airline traffic. Use this to your advantage. If the clerk feigns ignorance you should press the issue until they do something about it.
While the cat is away
Your room is equipped with a "Do-Not-Disturb" sign. Place this outside your door whenever you leave the room. When you return to the hotel after your day's activities you should call the clerk and demand to know why your room was not serviced while you were out. Feign ignorance if the clerk asks you about the sign. Keep calling back about this until the clerk comes and cleans your room himself.
The best time to attempt to check-out is whenever you see the clerk step away from the desk. The best strategy is to sit in the lobby and wait for the clerk to go to the bathroom, or step out for a cigarette. Then, and only then should you go up to the counter. Ring the little "service" bell until the clerk returns. If that is not an option, you should wait until several people try and check out at the same time. Use that opportunity to see what they paid for their rooms. Demand the cheaper rate if you see someone who paid less, otherwise you should tell the other guests what you paid, and let them know that the little shit behind the counter is trying to rip them off.
Your check-out should be one long string of complaints. Repeat any complaints that you have already made earlier, and fabricate several new ones. Look over your bill line by line, you should dispute any phone calls, movies, or other services that appear on your bill (they should be free). When you are finally done ranting, ask to make reservations for the next week (once again you should just guess at your arrival date, this is not an exact science).
You are finally home
Don't assume that your relationship with the hotel clerk is over, simply because you have checked out. You should call as soon as you arrive home. A newly fabricated billing dispute is the best thing for a first call. Your second call should focus on some item that apparently vanished from your suitcase during your stay, Palm Pilots and jewelry are good bets, but be creative if you wish. Call the clerk back every couple of day about this missing item, before you know it you will be ready for your next vacation!