Once upon a time,
Everybody celebrated
Uhg Day, this was a feast dedicated to the great warrior
Guh, who was the first man to kill a
tiger with his
bare hands.
Since then, holidays have
arguably gotten better and more
sophisticated.
At one point the Romans had quite a few
holidays, every
empire did. Holidays were usually celebrations of
Gods, the deeds of
Gods or high officials such as kings or
Emperors and state related holidays. Then of course, the infamous "
Christians overlapping all other religious holidays" which effectively
eliminated any other
religious holidays. I'm not
wiccan, I have little to no idea what these old holidays were nor do I really care. This does not change the fact that I don't really care for a lot of the
religious things that go along with our
modern holidays.
Here are the holidays I propose to replace all of our holidays so that everyone may
enjoy them:
X-Mas
The celebration of the
fat red guy and getting presents.
Fat old guys that fly are cool.
James Dean was cool, I'm sure he would have agreed with my
assessment of
Santa Claus and his entourage of
elves,
deer and his gift giving
fetish. Go Santa,
this Nog is for you.
Egg Day
The celebration of
sex and babies and
all that silly shit we do to have sex and babies. Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself...well,
we can laugh at you. Also, the celebration of
bunnies and chocolate. I cannot eat
chocolate because it hurts my teeth; I do however like
bunnies. If you do not enjoy
bunnies and
sex and have no medical condition preventing you from these enjoyments we will be perfectly happy to split your share of the
Marshmallow Peeps.
Get Naked Day
This is the day when all with the means fly to
New Orleans or
Brazil,
get trashed and
have sex in public for no other reason than to obtain
cheap plastic beads. This holiday is rated R by
the National moJoe Holiday Rating Association. For the kids, they just get the
beads for free.
Put your Clothes on Day
The day after
Get Naked day where we clean up, take Aspirin and try to focus on
repairing the damage we cause the day before. A good
exercise in humility and a reminder to all that, as fun as being naked and
having sex is, we can't do it every day all day. Once the shrooms wear off the world gets all
boring again, you know. As for the traditional forty days for this holiday, I feel that we,
as adults of the new millenium, can derive
simple little points and life lessons like these without
self-debasement and torture. One day is more than
satisfactory.
Scary Pagan Devil Worship Day
A holiday just for the
kids!
Thanks, pass the Gravy Day
A day for
eating food. That's it, you go to Grandma's, and the object of this
Holiday is to eat as much as humanly possible after
saying a few words in kind about people who didn't have enough cash to spring for a
turkey,
chicken,
cow or other large slab of
dead animal slathered in gravy with stuffing and greens...mmm and cranberry sauce, oh my bujezus...the pie...
THE PIE DID YOU SEE THE PIE..erm..*cough* Quite simply
a day of gluttonous indulgence.
Jenny Craig,
eat your heart out.
Seintpattiesday
This is a
heart-warming celebration of
drinking,
wearing green, drinking and
pinching people on the bottom; oh, and did I mention drinking?
Coincidentally, I am writing this on "
Saint Patricks Day",
a cheap rip-off of
Seintpattiesday. Live music, drinking and bottom pinching galore make this the official "Day of
sexual harassment" as well.
If you can't abide a little ass pinching,
wear lots of green or
stay at home. Definitely not a day for the fuddies.
See? holidays that all can
enjoy regardless of
religious affiliation. =)