Out Now - The Harry Potter spin off video game everyone with any sense has been eagerly awaiting, and over which hundreds of fickle teenage fanboys have been getting industrially butthurt!
Harry Potter and the Scholastic Slaughter is the latest, greatest, and certainly the most inappropriate video game of the year. A full 17% more ridiculously violent than Grand Theft Auto, 14% more tasteless than 4chan, and a massive 66% more likely to inspire school shooting than Super Columbine Massacre RPG, HPATSS is developed by the renegade software studio VazBait Enterprises, and is available now for PC, Mac, and all current-generation console systems to protect YOUR children from a politically correct, sanitised, boring, suburban existence!
"zOMG dis game shud b BANND!!!!1" - XxX~drAcOlOvEsmE~XxX, poster on AOL's Harry Potter fora.
The plot of HPATSS is this - YOU are everyone's favourite whiny, floppy-haired teenage wizard (hint: not Tim Hunter). It's the start of book seven, and Harry has had it up to HERE with these motherfucking Death Eaters and motherfucking Horcruxes and being giggled at, made fun of, and generally shoved around by anyone and everyone - and now that Dumbledore's carked it there's nobody to indulge him like the "little bitch" (Ruthless Reviews) that he is, and he's especially sick and tired of having to save the world yet again just to fatten JKR's already clinically obese bank balance. So, he straps on his favourite trenchcoat, packs his wand and a twelve bore, and storms Hogwarts looking for some answers.
WIELD eight deadly, carnage-inducing weapons including the Entrail Expelling Curse (because avada kedavra is for wimps; REAL men make their victims shit out their innards), the flesh-sizzling Fireball, the devastating Rod of Ruin, and that perennial favourite with a list of alumni including Gill, Harris, Klebold, Kinkel, and Seung, the Shotgun!
SEE the magnificence of Hogwarts in High Definition on your monitor or TV screen (HD compatibility required) and marvel at the game's new IntelliGibs technology, which simulates and models accurately the entrails of your hapless victims as you smear them across the landscape at the end of an explosive spell!
SLAUGHTER hordes of defenceless students and slightly less defenceless creatures as you cut a bloody swath through the wizardly world!
NINE gore-spattered, flame-blackened, non-stop-kill-fest levels to blitz your way across, including the Forbidden Forest, the Potions dungeon, the Astronomy tower and the secret tunnel to J. K. Rowling's secret techno-hideout!
FILL YOUR EARS with a pounding heavy metal soundtrack (because we all know it has hidden Satanic messages in it) specially selected for tastelessness. Featuring "A Lesson in Violence" by Exodus, "Pleasure to Kill" by Kreator, "Davidian" by Machine Head, and "Get a Gun, Shoot at Random" by The CNK!
SECRET "MILKY CHAI" MODE in which you can see in all its glory that bit in Book Six in which Harry and Ginny Weasley, so it's suggested, bump uglies down beside the lake.
Harry - "Do you believe in God?"
Terrified First Year - "Y-yes! *sob*"
Harry - "There is no God. Avada kedavra."
We know what you're thinking. Probably "isn't all this a bit tasteless?" Well of course. That's the point! As is the fact that J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros and Bloomsbury have nothing to do whatsoever with this game, nor are we licensed users of the Harry Potter licence (and Carter-Fuck, if his firm's reading this, will be confronted with the same response as given in Arkel v. Pressdram for all we care.) We made this game for one reason and for one reason alone - to ANNOY PEOPLE. Be they shrill self-appointed moral guardians, Harry Potter fanboys, useless curtain twitchers, uppity religious right cunts, and so forth, as long as they're up in arms about this game, we consider ourselves to have succeeded. We also don't care that HPATSS is pretty much stolen conceptually from Super Columbine Massacre RPG either. I mean, that sort of
plagiarism inspiration didn't stop JKR, now did it? And yes, we ARE fully aware that we're all severely disturbed young men. Next question.
System Requirements: Any fairly recent computer should do, but ideally you'll want a sense of humour also.
It's fun for all the family, it's Harry Potter and the Scholastic Slaughter - out now from VazBait Enterprises!
ALSO COMING SOON from VazBait Enterprises -
TERROR TYCOON - Take control of one of the greatest terrorist organisations of the last century, each with their own special skills and missions, including the Provisional IRA, the PLO, Etá, Animal Militia, FARC, al-Qaeda, the Lord's Resistance Army, or the Black Hand of Serbia and see if YOU can steer them from universal public revulsion and outlaw and into the world of respected freedom fighter-hood!
RIGHT 'EM AND SMITE 'EM - The more true to life God sim, including pillars of salt, worldwide floods, genocide, and slaying of the firstborn.
ENFORCEMENT - Based on the award-winning short film "Game Over II" by Barry Wilkinson and Gavin Salkeld, in this game you play the part of a mercenary acting for Quentin Thomas, chairman of the BBFC, trained in an arbitrarily large number of unnecessarily brutal martial arts and weapons techniques, including neck breaks, garrottes, shears, and slicing peoples' arms off with circular sawblades thrown discus-style, on the trail of the subhuman scum who defile our shores with evil, morally pollutive continental and US DVDs, vile filth, and suicide manuals.
© VazBait Enterprises 2008 - Our motto is, "Give 'em what they want."