"So wait a second. Are you trying to tell me I'm pregnant, with an Andarian baby?"
Porbxmel laughed. "No, human Craig. No. Pregnant implies that you are with an Andarian child in the same way human beings are with child."
Craig leaned in to Porbxmel meaningfully. "I. Have. A. Andarian. Child. Growing. Inside. My. Body. Care to explain how this came to happen?"
Porbxmel started slowly. "It's not going to be easy for me to explain to a human."
Craig leaned back, arms akimbo. "Try me."
Porbxmel thought for a second, and then tried again. "When two or more Andarians love each other very, very much...."
Craig leaned in again. "You can skip that part. Skip to this one. What part of you did you stick inside me while I wasn't looking?"
Porbxmel frowned. "Listen, you're asking me to talk about something that we don't normally talk about. Please respect me taking the time to figure out how to phrase this."
Craig countered: "Very very rich. This coming from the person who asked me not two weeks ago about how many milliliters of semen it would take to inseminate a woman via bukkake considering that it is "clearly a less efficient delivery system for DNA to the vagina than normal sex.""
Porbxmel winced. He had been browsing Pornhub in an attempt to understand human relationships. Craig had been correcting him near constantly ever since.
"Duly noted, human Craig. Duly noted. But listen, we are not grown via combination of DNA like in your species. We... self-assemble."
"You are conceived in violence, born with trauma, and come into the world in great pain. As for we, we deside to assemble from consciousness into corporeal form in an environment where there is so much respect and affection between two (or more) Andarians that another Andarian would be brought into reality in a loving, healthy society."
"So when I said "When two or more Andarians love each other very very much, human Craig... I meant it. That is the only criteria. We are genderless and sexless. We self-assemble."
Craig sat down and tried to process this.
"So... about the Andarian reproductive cycle...."
"I have some material for Andarian children, but it wouldn't be accessible to you."
Porbxmel threw him a sensa-disc. It was not language by any shape or form, but the direct transfer of knowledge via sense organs that humans didn't possess. It might as well have been dolphin song - all he got from it was the texture of the disc against his fingers.
"Human Craig, the Andarian will grow on your tissues, like a seed from one of your plants growing on Terran soil. Then one day, it will detach and continue as it is. Well, usually."
"Let me guess, I am the first human being an Andarian has decided to self-assemble on."
"This is correct. It is why this is such a special event in so many ways."
"Well, let's hope this doesn't get turned into a huge deal."
Jimmy Fallon did a monologue. "Human Craig" jokes became a thing on Earth. Various talk show hosts wanted to book him for an exclusive interview. Only problem was, the Andarian High Command moved him immediately off ship duty to the moon of Callastria VI, where they could study this highly unusual event and also afford Craig some degree of protection.
The True Brotherhood had decided that this was an abomination - the True Brotherhood, of course, being a collection of various religious group members on Earth who had refused to accept the scientific facts that erased religion on Earth otherwise forever. They had got together and forgotten their different prayers, rituals, dogmas and texts and simply stayed with their core beliefs - being gay or trans was sinful, women needed to keep their legs together, and any form of enjoyment was clearly going to lead to karmic backlash and a hellish afterlife. Naturally - as an abomination they wanted to kill the future Andarian child, Craig, and Porbxmel. In that order.
Porbxmel found Craig, with his head in his hands - in a quiet ward near the scientific center laboratories he'd been examined by daily. The pustule that had started on his chest was now covering his entire left pectoral muscle, and starting to grow down his abdomen and onto his shoulder. This was unusual, and Andaria was concerned.
"Human Craig", said Porbxmel gently, intruding. "I have a communication transmission from Human Charlene. She is very very happy for us both.
"I'm not in the mood to hear it."
"I'm sure it'll cheer you up. Here it is."
The silence was pierced by the sound of braying laughter. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No. Honest. I'm sorry. Let me try again."
Another call attempt. "So, er, (clearing throat, trying to hold it together) Happy Mother's Day, h-human Cr.." and then laughter again. "Oh my God, I am so, so sorry! Hold on. Hold on. I can do this."
Another call attempt. "Hi Craig. It's Charlene. Look, I'm sorry about before, but oh my God, how do you possibly? I mean, what do you say? This is all so... all so.... (nervous laughter again) Oh my God, I just peed a little. Sorry. I'll come by and see you soon. Promise. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry."
Porbxmel clicked off the recording. "Laughter is a sign of happiness and enthusiasm, right?"
"No, not really. And I'm not exactly in the mood for it."
He'd been staring at a meme that was being shared, a variant of a common theme in a political cartoon. In it, a grotesque charicature of Craig in a dress was being viciously sodomized with a very long, prehensile H. R. Gigerish penis by an extremely bigoted depiction of an Andarian.
"Ah! See! These people are seeing humor in the situation! Laughter is a sign of happiness and good cheer, right?"
"That's what you get out of this?"
"Well, hold on. Now that you think of it. Let me make sure my analysis is correct."
"Okay, look at this and what do you see."
"Well, three things. It's meant to be ridiculous. First of all, I am genderless, and do not have a penis, so the humor is in the idea that I supposedly have something I do not. Second of all, it is positively ridiculous because neither of us are properly dressed for such a ritual. Neither of us are wearing the requisite white socks, sneakers and baseball caps. And you are not wearing the backless genital harness nor are you snorting cleaning fluid."
Craig tried to think of a response, and failed.
"And the third?"
"Well, you should be flattered. It's quite the flattering depiction."
"Explain this one, please?"
"Well, from what I understand, having a large penis is highly prized. They have chosen to give me a superlatively large penis, which is a sign of respect, right?"
"Fair enough, and what about the other figure in this picture?"
"Well, from what I understand, taking such a large appendage into your rectal orifice would cause quite a significant.... I believe the term is "anal gape". This is something that in the entertainment, whichever gender has it makes quite a proud display of the aftermath. This must therefore be a sign they consider you worthy of a very gaping anus. Depicting you in a situation where you would gape with pride."
Craig looked at Porbxmel thoughtfully. "Remind me to never leave you unsupervised around Earth reading material ever again."
"Why so Human Craig?"
"You have a beautiful, wonderful mind, and I have absolutely no idea how it works. But suffice it to say, pornography is bad enough, but imagine if you ever came across The Turner Diaries. Or God forbid, Mein Kampf."
"Never mind, we'll discuss it later. Just please promise me you'll only read, watch or otherwise research humankind WITH ME PRESENT."
"Yes, human Craig."
"Human Craig, you are unhappy. You are the only one to be so deeply unhappy."
"In this picture, Porbxmel, we're being mocked."
"How so? I agree that this is ridiculous because there's no way this could happen, but mockery?"
"They have me in a dress, Probxmel, taking your penis up my ass."
"Human Craig, in our discussions of your people, you made it clear to me that there was nothing wrong or shameful about any of human sexuality. With the possible exception of "furries" and diaper fetishists."
"And that they have depicted something here in the "Gay" category on Pornhub, but that, as you said, isn't anything wrong or shameful."
"Yeah, sure, but...."
"And as for you wearing non-gender role specific clothing, you explained to me that even though historically people who were nonconformist to these sorts of roles were shunned and badly treated - in modern times tolerance is the norm except for some outliers whose attitudes you clearly abhor."
"I guess, but..."
"And so therefore what is being depicted here is a joyful act of physically pleasurable intercourse between two consenting good friends, made ridiculous in an attempt to engender good feelings like humor, laughter and happiness."
"Well, um, since you put it like that..."
"So why are you so unhappy? Speaking of "You have a beautiful, wonderful mind, and I have absolutely no idea how it works", human Craig, it's fascinating to me as an Andarian to see a creature like yourself who is, as an individual and a species, so amazingly unlogical and uninformed. You base most of your thinking on fear and disinformation, or the complete inability to see what is right there in front of your eyes. I love that about you."
And with that, Porbxmel left to go take care of an errand.
Craig stared at the wall, eyes skyward, trying to make heads or tails of this. "How am I in the wrong here?"
Probxmel popped his head back in quickly.
"It's because you're pregnant. Your hormones are all out of whack, of course you're gonna go all crazy on me."
"Earth humor! I've been researching that through something called the sit-com!"
And with that, he grinned and slid away for real.