WASHINGTON, DC (AP) -- Riots erupted in the remnants of the former US capital
again late Tuesday, amid reports that some stuff still wasn't broken
. And while new furies raged, new blood
flowed into the sewer grates, and new micro-principalities
were declared across the area, America's grown-ups
were left with the same old question. Why
A sword-wielding dwarf perched high upon a white horse, who wished to be identified only as "His Lordship Azrael", gave this explanation for the wave of rioting youth that has toppled the governments of at least 32 nations to date: "You know, it's the motherf---ing end of the world and sh--. Check out this rad piece of the Capitol dome. That's at least 75 bucks on eBay. No more dwarf tossing for me, baby."
Reporters were escorted inside the flames and barbed wire of the city limits by a self-described "rebel without a cause" named Cueball. They were confined to Cueball's modified school bus for safety purposes. "I can show you some of the safer areas," Cueball told reporters, while puffing on what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette. "By the way, look at that giant McDonald's 'M' I got tied to the top of the bus. Is that dope or what?"
The roads within the city were covered with downed power lines and broken glass, telltale signs of the destruction of these last few weeks. Bodies were strewn across the sidewalks as one might expect candy bar wrappers to be. With no central governing authority, reporters were powerless to stop the robberies, rapes, and occasional murders they beheld on the streets of Washington.
For most reporters, it was a quest for answers. "I'll tell you right now, this is about guns and p-ssy," one firearm-toting young man called out through the broken window of an abandoned Kinko's. "Get them both while there's still some left."
Others portayed the riots as a vast, worldwide political movement. "Look at me, I'm smashing the state!" screamed one green-haired rioter who wished to remain anonymous. He then attempted to kick the severed head of the Lincoln Memorial, which had been thrown through a display window by a previous group of rioters. "F---, that hurts! Why'd you have such a big f---ing head, Jefferson, you slave-raping prick?" he exclaimed, dashing his foot on the marble head of the 16th President. He then urinated on the unmovable object.
The riots continued through the late evening with no end in sight. Reports of orgies in the blood-smeared hallways of the White House remained unconfirmed.
Summing up the emotions of the day, Piggy squealed, "I can't see without my glasses!"