Real Classified Ad 11/5/2002:
~FREE NINJA~
Since we are moving out of state, we are forced to find a new home for our beloved ninja. If you are looking for home security or dealing out a stealthy revenge... this is a wonderful opportunity for you and your family.
Our ninja came to us a few years back after an unfortunate accident involving betrayal and a small fire. But I can assure you that in the time he has been with us, there have been no dishonorable incidents, unwarranted assassinations, or arson.
Needless to say, he is very quiet and keeps to himself, but he is great with the kids. My husband and I were finally able to go out on romantic evenings alone. You can be sure that your teenage daughter won’t be sneaking out her window to see her boyfriend anymore!
Our ninja requires little maintenance, and we are pretty sure that he is not an evil ninja although we can make no guarantees on that once we leave the state and hand him over to you...he is very touchy about betrayal. He does stay out rather late, but you need not worry about him waking your family when he returns home. He offers the ultimate in home perimeter protection, family member protection and even Tae-Bo lessons!
He always wears his cute little black ninja uniform and you don’t need to worry about soiled carpet with his meticulously clean tabi boots! Although I can’t be sure, I think he just throws his ninja garb in with the dark laundry loads because he never ever smells. Just be careful when you go to the kitchen at night for a midnight snack. I know he thinks it’s good practice to silently drop down on you from your hanging pot rack, but damn, it’ll scare the living bee-jeezus out of you!
He specializes in several martial arts (including his own 5 flying drunken monkey style...very impressive!) and weapons: manriki, escrima, shuriken, kaijutsukai, nunchukas, sais, bokkens, kakutes, and, of course, the Dim-Mak Death Touch. And don’t forget, he makes a mean five-alarm chili with jalapeno cornbread!
We are so very sorry to have to let him go, and we really want to make sure he moves into a loving home. So, just tell me a little bit about you and your family, leave me your address and quietly wait inside your home (do NOT make any sudden moves!)... he will be over shortly.