The flowers were perched by the dumpster with care
In hopes that Saint Ridiculous soon would be there
"Look, lady, you are wasting our time. Your local police department, sponsored by Echo Industries, does not have time to process your unnecessary complaint. And frankly, we tire of your efforts to turn this quiet town into some kind of film noir nightmare."
"Officer, with all due respect, a convicted killer of women has been sitting outside my house every night for two weeks. I think I have a right to be concerned."
"Parklane was rehabilitated. He spent twenty-five years in prison and was released only once he was found to have been completely rehabilitated from his criminal past. He's of no danger to anyone now."
"Maybe the prison's sponsors would like to know what he's been up to? I think they might rethink their decision to parole the son of a bitch."
"Lady, he hasn't threatened you or even approached you. He is parking on a public street, listening to The Eagles at a reasonably respectful volume and laughing from time to time. Nothing he is doing constitutes a crime."
"I know this, but a guy who was sent to prison for stalking and killing women of my age and general description twenty five years ago is now sitting outside my house. It is obvious he is waiting for a chance to make a move."
"Frankly, lady, those women he killed? I've seen pictures of them. They were all better looking that you. If he were to return to his murderous ways, he'd pick on someone prettier. He probably just gets better reception on that all Eagles station sponsored by Kenner in front of your house. Case closed."
Monotony Baye was growing increasingly frustrated with the justice system, so she stormed out of the police station, got into her car and drove home. As expected, Ford Parklane was sitting in his Dodge Dart in front of the house listening to "Desperado." She pulled her car into the garage, closed the garage door behind her electronically and went into the house. The security system of her house, sponsored by Miller Beer, would have to serve as her protection from Ford Parklane.
A floral delivery vehicle was pulling up in front of the house. Sponsored by Nabisco, the vehicle parked and allowed a short, balding man to exit with two dozen red roses. These were brought to the door and presented to Monotony without much flair. She was surprised, but thanked the man and took the roses inside.
"I haven't put out for a man in six months. Why would someone send me roses?" she asked herself aloud.
Let's get back together again.
A former boyfriend you are no longer with but still have feelings for.
There was no further information. Monotony scratched her head, shrugged and went to find a vase to put them in. A former boyfriend wanted to get back together again but wouldn't give his name? This didn't seem to benefit his cause.
Two days went by and there was no further word from the former boyfriend. Monotony thought of calling some of her former beaus and asking if they were the sender of the roses, but that might make her appear to be desperate. Given her history of always meeting former boyfriends for a one night romp for old times' sake whenever she saw or talked to one, Monotony thought better of the plan. She would wait. In the meantime, she received a raise and a promotion at work. The promotion was sponsored by Kraft Foods. To celebrate, she made a box of macaroni and cheese and ate it.
The following night, Monotony came back from work to find a package in front of the door. It contained a large bag of candy Valentine's Day conversation hearts. There was a note attached to the bag.
These taste like shit. You'll probably like them because you have no class. I still want to get back together with you because I love you.
Monotony didn't hesitate to pick up the telephone and call the police. They were again disinterested.
"Sounds like an old boyfriend is having a little good, clean fun with you. Stop wasting our time."
They hung up on Monotony without pause. The telephone call had been sponsored by Pepsi. Not knowing what else to do, Monotony made certain her security system was fully engaged and functioning before turning on the television to watch a documentary film she couldn't understand.
The following morning she had coffee and a day old doughnut she bought while waiting for her friend Kerstin to complete a two hour long shoe buying process. When she left the house, she noticed that Ford Parklane was asleep behind the wheel of his Dodge Dart. She wasn't completely sure that he wasn't dead, but wasn't about to approach his vehicle.
"I wouldn't worry about it," Kerstin told her during lunch. "He needs to get sponsorship before he can commit a crime and no one will sponsor someone who has been fully rehabilitated. No sponsorship, no murder. You're cool."
"This guy is old school. He's been in prison for twenty-five years. He doesn't need sponsorship."
"No one commits a crime like that without sponsorship. I mean, you can rob the convenience store or disturb the peace without sponsorship, but murder? Rape? You need sponsorship for that."
Kerstin's insistences didn't help Monotony feel any better about Ford Parklane. When she got home, Computer Chip and Device Superstores had representatives meeting with him. They were talking and reviewing various paperwork on the hood of the Dodge Dart. Something was going down. Parklane was signing a sponsorship deal.
"He's signing a sponsorship deal," Monotony told the police.
"Look, you nutcase, we've been over this before. Parklane is fully rehabilitated. He's probably signing a deal to sponsor getting his life back on track. After twenty-five years in the slammer, you need sponsorship to get back on your feet again. The affirmation program doesn't work as well as we hoped it would. Most ex-cons still struggle with getting back into society."
"Thank you for speaking to me in such depth on this issue."
"No problem, thank you for calling."
A Toyota Camry was pulling into the driveway. An Asian gentleman was stepping out of it with a number of bags and styrofoam containers. Chinese food that Monotony had not ordered was being delivered.
"I didn't order this," she told the man.
"Former boyfriend buy for you. All paid for. Here, take."
"Do I tip you?"
"Yes. Tip me very much. Thank you. Unexpected free meal worth good size tip."
Monotony gave him five dollars and sent him on his way. She took the Chinese food inside and looked for a note. There was one on the styrofoam box containing egg rolls.
I pissed in the lo mein and some of the other dishes. Bet you can't guess which ones. Enjoy.
Computer Chip and Device Superstores sponsored the murder. No one ever figured out how he did it. He had gotten into the house without disturbing the security system, returned to his car and went to sleep immediately afterwards. Since no one could determine how the murder had been managed, and since Ford Parklane was fully rehabilitated, no charges were brought.
Ford Parklane was recently seen at a movie theatre and at a minor league baseball game.