I love drinkin'. And fightin'. Drinkin' and fightin', especially together. Mixin' the two's a recipe that's been in my family a long, long time, and today I'm gonna share it with ya. It's mostly a feel-for thing — that's what my mum always called something that you had to learn by doing, it was a "feel-for thing." Anyway, it's mostly a feel-for thing, and yer gonna hafta try it a few times to get it right, most likely. See the bottom of the writeup for some changes if you ain't got the right ingredients on hand.
- Two parts brass balls
- Three parts stupidity
- Alcohol, lots
- Your saltiest language
- Mother's tears, if you have 'em, to taste
Pick yer alcohols at your leisure, but I'll let you in on a little secret: use beer. The more like horse piss the better. And use a lot of it. Take your social drinkin' amount, then add your "gettin' pissed with yer buddies" amount. Then toss in a few more drinks to be sure.
The nerves should be somebody else's, someone you don't know. Preferably lots of someones, in fact. These nerves are gonna be important later, so make sure they're not too steady. Nerves of steel can ruin this recipe.
As fer yer language and yer mum's tears, these might be related, they might not. I don't know yer mum, but mine always gets teary-eyed when my brothers talk like sailors, right before my da knocks 'em one upside the head. And your language should consist of as much talk and swagger as it does cusswords strung together. Talk about how you're a man and yer friend Barry here's a man and everybody else around just little schoolgirls. If ya are a man, you'll know what to do.
You can do this at home, I guess, but we ain't never got it to work right there. For the proper chemical reactions or whatever, you should do it in a bar or a pub, preferably one that already smells like booze and piss and vomit. This is one of the feel-for parts, you'll get it right eventually.
Mix yer brass balls and stupidity, to form a good base. You can work the ratios a little, but 2:3 always seems about right for us.
Add alcohol liberally. When I say liberally, I mean it. It's not possible to add too much beer at this point. The tricky part here is that you cut in the salty language and yer mum's tears a bit at a time while you add in the booze. Start out with small pinches, and keep addin' more, steady does it. Think slopes, not steps, if that makes sense.
Now the mixture needs to marinate in the alcohol. This is another one of them feel-for bits; it all depends on your liquor and the surrounding conditions and how well your base absorbs the alcohol. A good bet is one to three hours. Keep adding liquor, if ya want, but not too much. You don't want the base to break up and become incoherent.
Remember those nerves I told you would be important later? Well now yer gonna take 'em, and grate 'em. If you've set up your mixture right, they're probably already gettin' kinda frayed, so just grate 'em until they're coarse.
At this point, you're almost done. Once you've grated the nerves coarse enough, the mixture can be either perforated or beaten to achieve the desired consistency. It might still be a little tough, but if you've added enough liquor, it'll get there sooner or later.
Adjustments and conversions
Depending on your choice in ingredients, there are some concessions in the recipe that can be made. Hard alcohols (take your whiskey or Scotch or bourbon or vodka) will shorten the process considerably, but care must be taken not to use too much or, like I said, you'll destroy the coherency of your mix.
The type of nerves you choose will also affect the time required. We found out that soccer hooligan nerves were the best to use, if you can get ahold of them.