In
Middle School, lots of kids go through
strange changes. I'm not talking simply about the
physical changes, but more of the
mental ones. They learn things, think in larger senses.
I had my
close circle of
geek friends. But few others. I knew about people getting teased, and I
knew how it felt getting teased.
I did not like getting teased.
It always made me feel
stupid and I would suddenly lose all ability to do anything, but
stare at my feet.
So I developed a
theory.
People who teased people, liked doing so because they would get a reaction. I decided that I would
refuse to give this
reaction.
Slowly through 6th grade, I closed off my
emotions. No emotions means no
reaction. I adopted an
emotionless face for when I wasn't with or talking to anybody I cared. I walked down the halls, sort of
grim looking.
I could still
laugh, and be
happy, but I closed off a lot of emotions.
I only began to
realize what I had done to myself in
high school, around 10th or 11th grade. I realized that I didn't like this
emotionless part of me. I didn't know when I was
sad, I didn't know if I was
crying or if my eyes were simply
watering. I didn't know how to
react emotionally to lots of
stimuli. I had also closed off one important
emotion that I didn't care to see that often:
Anger. Which I still consider as a benefit. But it also had its little
outbreaks.. but I didn't show it.
I tried to
destroy these emotional barriers that I had created. But it's hard. I'm still trying. I have a
girlfriend now, and she at least helps me express
love better.
But I can still be too
solemn in person, and I react better to
other people's emotions than my own, because mine don't
generate enough
force most of the time.
And I think back, to the
flawed evolution..
Kids can be stupid.