In Middle School, lots of kids go through strange changes. I'm not talking simply about the physical changes, but more of the mental ones. They learn things, think in larger senses.

I had my close circle of geek friends. But few others. I knew about people getting teased, and I knew how it felt getting teased.

I did not like getting teased.

It always made me feel stupid and I would suddenly lose all ability to do anything, but stare at my feet.

So I developed a theory. People who teased people, liked doing so because they would get a reaction. I decided that I would refuse to give this reaction.

Slowly through 6th grade, I closed off my emotions. No emotions means no reaction. I adopted an emotionless face for when I wasn't with or talking to anybody I cared. I walked down the halls, sort of grim looking.

I could still laugh, and be happy, but I closed off a lot of emotions.

I only began to realize what I had done to myself in high school, around 10th or 11th grade. I realized that I didn't like this emotionless part of me. I didn't know when I was sad, I didn't know if I was crying or if my eyes were simply watering. I didn't know how to react emotionally to lots of stimuli. I had also closed off one important emotion that I didn't care to see that often: Anger. Which I still consider as a benefit. But it also had its little outbreaks.. but I didn't show it.

I tried to destroy these emotional barriers that I had created. But it's hard. I'm still trying. I have a girlfriend now, and she at least helps me express love better.

But I can still be too solemn in person, and I react better to other people's emotions than my own, because mine don't generate enough force most of the time.

And I think back, to the flawed evolution..

Kids can be stupid.

I had almost exactly the same problem in Middle School. I was picked on so I just closed myself off from the people of who I wasn't close to and turned to reading, music, and people I met on the internet. I could feel happy and such, but I closed myself off from crying even in my own company. I taught myself to be level headed and not to show that I'm angry besides the occassional snap at people who annoy me. I learned the easiest way to not get picked on is to just to keep a low profile and confide in only your closest friends, or just not confide in anyone at all. I don't know exactly when this happened, but I do know I was in Middle School.

Eventually, though, this progressed into small self esteem problems, an inability to open up easily, problems with holding up my end of a significant conversation if it wasn't a person who I trusted, and problems with eye contact at times. I also ended up a bit of a recluse, I started smoking cigarettes, and suffered a mean depression which led to about a month of cutting in the beginning of the school year. I'm a freshman now and I am starting to fight these undesireable effects of that thought process. I hope that I'm doing a good job, but I really don't know. I just wish people in high school weren't so immature, but that's life I guess. I just want to punch my classmates occassionally.

The thing I hate about High School and Middle School is that the kids pick on anyone who is different. I fit into this category myself because of wearing a lot of black everyday and just being in a different mindset then most of them. I'm just lucky that I kind of go ignored as the shadow at the back of class, I guess, because some of my classmates are relentlessly picked on.

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