Day nine, or it is ten? Last night I dreamt that I was talking to a woman who worked for my acupuncture guy, except in real life he doesn't have any employees. While I was with her, I discovered these very large dolls, one of which was a replica of her. For some reason we were crouched down behind the counter when my acupuncture guy came into the room. There are gaps in my dream, but the situation felt urgent so eventually we left. I have a memory of us sitting at a wooden table eating, and that's the last thing I can recall.

Objects: Woman, large dolls, other people (girls?), counter, acupuncture guy, wooden table. I think we may have traveled by some sort of boat, but I'm not sure so I'm leaving that out.

The woman was tall, blonde, and chilly. I would say that she represents those aspects of myself. I can be very warm and loving, however I can also be icy, frigid, and rigid depending on how I feel about another person or a situation. The large dolls were pretty terrifying. I now have the impression that they are the nesting Russian style, and I think that these describe the layers of myself that I present to others. I may seem one way superficially, but as you go deeper, I become smaller, more delicate, and my feelings are very fragile. The dolls are also revealing aspects of my character. I think the last one would be painted differently than the ones that came before it.

The wooden table was very solid and reliable, like a dependable friend. It's practical, homey, and the light color is me too. My husband and I are talking about buying a second condo that we can use as office space and a yoga studio. He wants to repair the marriage, and I understand why he wants to do that. Yesterday I was writing about a character who emailed her sister to apologize for things she had done in the past. She was completely honest about what she had done, and she didn't offer any explanations either. It was a break through lightbulb moment that I didn't recognize at the time because this is what I need to do.

I have a very difficult time explaining how I feel to others. I will act sad, angry, or hurt, but it is very difficult for me to verbalize these things, and it stresses me out to have to do so. Last night my husband and I were talking, and I was pretty calm about this despite not feeling calm at all. Right now the area over my heart hurts. My chest muscles are tight, and I know that there are things I need to be doing that I'm not so this area is looser and more flexible.

I don't know why I have so much trouble being kind and empathetic to people who are close to me. It's not just my husband, the girls get this same treatment and I feel just awful about it. The last time I was at the library I picked up a book on adolescents who have been diagnosed as having a borderline personality, and at the time I was doing some research for a character I was writing about, but as I flipped through the book I was struck by how much of what the book said were things I could relate to, and see in myself and my oldest daughter.

Friends of mine read what I write, and I have one friend in particular who offers me feedback that is insightful and thought provoking. I really don't want to be writing these kinds of things because my fear is..., I don't know how to explain my fears because a lot of the time I can admit that I'm afraid of many things. I think I'm kind of afraid that I've damaged relationships to the point that they can't be fixed, or worse, I'm using this kind of thing to get out of a relationship that I don't want to be in any more.

I want to blame other people and say that things are their fault, but at some point in time, I have to look at how few people I'm close to in my family and wonder if I'm more at fault than others. When I'm online, and specifically on Twitter, I can be the person who feels connected to others. Sometimes other people say or do things that I don't like. I've learned how to deal with trolls, but often the people who are harder to deal with are the ones who tell me that they love me, or make it clear that they like and respect me and wouldn't mind if the relationship went deeper.

I had to unfollow this one guy who kept telling me how smart and beautiful I was. What he was saying wasn't the problem, he crossed lines, and I probably should have been clearer about where the boundaries were, but it was flattering to hear what he was saying so I kept listening. Eventually I stopped talking to him, he unfollowed me, and that should be the end of the story, but I'm thinking about him now because he is the type of person who really scares me.

One thing this book said was that people can misinterpret why others are behaving a certain way. I do this quite a bit. I imagine that people don't like me when I don't have a lot of proof of that, and I can convince myself that others are worth hanging onto when they've repeatedly shown me who they are. We all have character flaws, but there are those that I can forgive, and those that I need to let go of which is what my acupuncture guy keeps telling me. He says that I'm clinging onto whatever because I'm afraid to let go, and it is scary for me.

I often feel empty, alone, as if life is pointless, and I really don't care about a lot of things so I can step back and be dispassionate about whatever. Then there is the intense fiery side who will say or do anything to feel wanted, needed, loved, and accepted. This person can be comforting and loving, often she wants to be held, touched, cuddled, massaged, and kissed, but not by the people who are willing t...

I walked away from this to take a nap. Sorry kids.

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