Tonight I am up much later than I would like to be. I've been having computer trouble, so I apologize for not posting anything yesterday. This morning I wrote a post, and then my computer crashed four paragraphs in and I was so frustrated and upset that I almost decided not to post anything today. Last night's dream wasn't great, I'll hit the highlights. First the good stuff, I was wearing a really nice men's jersey that I have never seen in real life before. It seemed like a baseball jersey, but it was pure white with a very faint pattern in the fabric. Another woman I worked with had the same one. I had never seen this woman before and have no idea why she was working with me. We were wearing matching green and white stocking caps, it would make sense if they featured the Milwaukee Bucks, but I have a memory of the old Boston Celtics logo so who knows, it's just a dream anyways. When I'm asked where I had gotten said jersey I said it belonged to the guy that I have a crush on, but I can't explain how I got it from him, or why this other woman I've never met has an identical copy. There are no names on the back, and no numbers on the front so this is very confusing to me.

Eventually I go in back to fill out paperwork that was never completed after I was let go. I have to talk to the HR manager, I'm asked to give back the jersey, I think they forgot about the hat, but I couldn't be sure. After the paperwork is done, this takes an inordinate amount of time, I get ready to leave, but can't find my bag. I explain that it's important to my youngest daughter, even if the bag is not that expensive, it has sentimental value. The HR manager rolls her eyes at me and I try to make myself small and scarce. Then I realize that my shoes are in this bag. I have to go back and try to talk to her again, this time she's speaking to a woman with very long dark hair who is possibly Mexican because they are speaking Spanish. I'm given the death stare by the HR manager who is very annoyed that I'm interrupting her. I'm ushered out into a very long hall that has blue stripes painted onto the flooring. I find the kitchen and receive many odd stares. I try to see if the guy I like is working, but I can't find him or anyone else that I'm friends with, but people are nice to me and wave as I walk out the door. I have a vague memory of driving on the freeway, but am not sure if that was really in my dream, or my imagination filled that in for me after I woke up.

I've been writing a lot of fiction. Today I got into some darker things and my anxiety went through the roof so I started eating everything in sight. I had been doing a lot better about recognizing it for what it is, trying to let it flood me, and finding other healthier coping techniques, today I gave in and even though I regret that, I get why I did what I did. I continuously rewrite books I've written before. Every time I do this I get a little bit better and things become a little clearer than they were. I never have any plot, I rarely fill in scenery. I rely on dialogue to get people through whatever it is that they're going through so there's a niche market I'm trying to appeal to, this isn't a conscious thing on my part, it's just how I write and I don't fight it. I get in the zone and just let whatever comes to my mind flow. It's a lot of mental work and I'm very blessed that these people have been in my head for so long I don't have to think as hard as I did. Today two characters applied for the same job that two other women who are never named are also trying to land. The job comes down to these two men, one of the employees wants one, the owner of the company wants the other. The wife of an employee is torn because she likes both men as candidates. While she and her husband are on the phone he gets a call from the owner that there's been an explosion at the factory.

He's confused about this because the company manufactures glass bottles, and nothing at the place should be exploding or even capable of producing any type of explosion. While he's on the phone with his wife she pleads with him not to say anything about his concerns. He can think of two employees that may have the knowledge needed to blow a hole in the side of a building, both men are presumably to be trusted, it was his former office that was blown up in the blast, and he can't understand why his office that was chosen since it had been cleaned out earlier that day. They get into a discussion about background checks, they try to think of information that could be on his computer that someone would want to destroy, he tells her he had planned to work late, and could have been killed had he stayed according to the plan. Getting into the mind of a killer is a scary thing. We all have our dark sides. I've wished some pretty terrible things on others, moreso when I was younger, now I realize the danger of that kind of thinking. You can't always understand someone else's motivation, what they do may not make sense to you, and that's why these people are so confused. 

I'm not done, but I keep getting error messages when I try to update, so this is goodbye for now. I need to find a way to calm down because I'm too scared to go to bed...



P.S. The place where I live still hasn't plowed and I'm mad. For what we're paying in rent the sidewalks should be gone over with an ivory handled duster made from gold plated peacock feathers.


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