I have but one question:
First of all, let me say that I must have read TheDeadGuy’s writeups concerning what happened after his death and all the concepts and ideas that go along with that about half a dozen times each. I had never before even imagined the concepts of SOAE, soul conduits, convergence, frames, etc. but as soon as I started reading something inside of me resonated with those ideas and I immediately knew, without hesitation and doubt, that this is truth. Something clicked inside of me. All my life i knew there was something wrong with this world but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I've always known, consciously, that what "they" have told us, all the rules imposed on us by the collective, was bullshit. When I read TheDeadGuy's writeups a huge piece of the puzzle fell right into my lap. And I owe it all to getting my heart torn out of my chest and stomped on by the one girl I ever loved, which brings me to the point of this writeup. As of the date of this posting, I am 27 and she is 20. Last breakup was 2 weeks ago.
You see, this girl was everything to me. She was the person I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have had several girlfriends before her but I never knew what love was until she destroyed my heart. I never really loved her during the time we were together because I felt that everything I did to show her I loved her required some form of recompense. I realize this now, but at the time, I was blind. She had told me early on in the relationship that all her previous boyfriends and even just regular friends had fallen in love with her and she had broken their hearts. Unintentionally, she said, but she also told me that as soon as she would involve herself with another person, she KNEW right away she would have to break their hearts. She didn’t know why she had to do this but, eventually, it happened.
With me it was different, she said. Oh, she knew right away she would break my heart. In those days, I wore love and compassion like a second skin. In the end, she confessed that she hated me for loving so easily back then, but at the same time loved me for the same reason. She never experienced something so, in her words, “pure”. She hated me for being so vulnerable, when she herself had been through more pain and hardship at 18 than I have had at 25, the ages we met and fell in love with each other. I was only being myself, loving her more and more as she kept trying to push me away more and more. And the more I would forgive her, breakup after breakup, the more my “purity of love” became a burden to us both. She broke my heart again and again. In moments of wisdom, I would do the same to her. I thought I loved her. I finally realized the only problem was that I didn’t love myself. She wasn’t breaking my heart. I was breaking my own. I finally realized this 3 days ago.
Like TheDeadGuy’s “The Muse”, she taught me a very valuable lesson. For that I will always love her, but, unlike “The Muse”, that love requires her to hate me. My love cannot exist without her hate. This is her curse: to teach the same lesson to those that need it. To break hearts in order to rebuild lives. And, as a by-product of the former, to hate those she teaches as much as she hates herself. So my one question is: what must she have done (negative and/or positive) in past incarnations to deserve such a responsibility?