Seventeen months have passed since Matthew died
Seventeen months today.
That is forever
and it is yesterday
about him and wonder
if he would be proud
of what I am now able to do? Or if he would resent
Resent me moving on. Or trying to. Resent me being back at school, getting the second highest score on something I put four hours work into while everyone else worked diligently for a month? Resent me being in demand, on the catwalk, in photographs? I know he hated it whenever I had a shoot, and he would always persuade me to cancel. I think it would anger him that now I am able to be a semi-functional person, seventeen months after he died.
Before he died, months before, he said something like, 'oh, if anything happened to me, you'd go running
back to James.' Well sweetheart
, I'm not anywhere near James. I haven't seen fucking James since before you fucking died. I hadn't seen him for over a year before we got together.
I haven't seen anyone til somewhat recently. I spent months crying
over you, mourning
you. And even with this new person, it looks like it's going down the crapper
so I'll be alone
. Does that satisfy
you? That I am desperately unhappy
and you're not here? That I am struggling to make money
, to stay in school
, to hold my life
I don't think you ever cared about me. I don't think you did. And I think you have fucked me up so bad that other people can't care about me. I don't think you could have done what you did if you cared about anyone. Me
. Your mum
. Your brothers
. Your dad
. If you had love in your heart, I don't think you would have been able to do it.
So since your heart
you had to go and break mine.
Whatever pain you felt, whatever misery
that drove you to it, I feel a million times more. Because I am still here. I suffered
through the past seventeen months and you were gone.
I miss you at the best of times.
I'm starting to be able to let you go. I cannot however let go of the fury
. Not yet. I do not forgive
you. I don't. I am not in love
with you anymore. I fell out of love
with you in September when I realised that I can't be in love with someone who can't return my love or even reject
it. I can't be in love with a dead man. You gave me some of the best times
in my life but You also gave me the absolute worst. So for that I cannot forgive you. For taking over a year of my life away from me. I can't let you go, and I can't let you have peace
. because I don't have peace.
I wasn't able to sleep
for months. I wasn't able to eat
. I was looking at pictures
of myself from the month after you died and I looked like a goddamned skeleton
. Even though I wasn't sleeping
I took to my bed and had nightmares
You didn't just take your life but you took a lot of mine.
I think you cursed
me. You did something shitty and horrible and selfish
and because of that there are people who hate
me because of it. There are people who blame
me. Who harass
me. That asshole that was related to your former work colleague, he won't stop calling, emailing and im-ing me, blaming me for you dying
. He keeps saying your ghost is visiting him. He is demented and is after me. And that's because of you. It's your fault the police
keep calling and asking the same questions
. The same stupid questions.
And it still affects me. Constantly. Did you think that once you died it would just be over and taken care of? That there would be no casualties of your death? Everyone has someone else to blame. And I have no one to blame but you. I have all this anger
for you and nothing I can do but cry. Those people find comfort
in hating me. And I hate no one. But myself, for falling in love with you in the first place. I can't believe you'd do this to me. I can't believe you did this to me.
Thank you for the post-traumatic stress disorder, the debilitating anxiety and the crippling depression.
I remember you always but tonight, I remember you with anger and resentment