Looks like bout #4 of strep A since 2012.

I am not septic yet. However, a bone in my right face is swollen out, about 2-3 cm in diameter. It is under the cheekbone, so the asymmetry is not visually very obvious. I feel like shit. It is pushing my tooth #3 down, so my bit is off. The tooth does not hurt.

Now, last June 2017 I had right facial pain. I roared off to my dentist, same tooth, and he said the tooth was fine. I started feeling irritable and paranoid, which is my strep A rising antibody signal. Along with teeth breaking, vitreous tears in my eyes and tinnitus. Weird, right? So off to my primary care doc who orders labs. My strep A antibodies are up again and I go on penicillin. No fever, no white blood cell count. Ten days of penicillin stops the right facial (trigeminal nerve) pain. BUT the facial bone is still point tender. I go back to my primary care doc. We both suspect an abcess, seeding strep A, since that would explain systemic strep with a negative strep throat.

Ok, so on the CT last June, no abcess but there is a right frontal sinus infection. I have no sinus infection symptoms, no pain, no congestion. Fungk. I go to the ENT who essentially says, well, you had ten days of antibiotics, that should cover strep A, call me if there is a problem.

Tried to call him yesterday but President's Day, and the physician's assistant on call says, "The bone can't be swollen." Moron. Yes it can. Bones can have abcesses and infections. My doc's office was open but she wasn't there. I went to the dentist, who wants me to have a root canal and/but "Huh. That bone is swollen." Um, yeah. So it looks like what I really need is a maxillofacial surgeon. But gotta jump through medical and dental hoops first, get the face CT prior authorized, get a creatinine level before I can have a CT, the ent can see me tomorrow BUT do I need prior authorization? Help help! And their office says "Have your primary care doctor fax us a prior authorization." Right. What universe do you live in? So I am sick as fungk, want to lie down on the ground and just give up and instead I am fungking calling to try to get myself taken care of. This, gentle readers, is what is wrong with US medicine. Patients give up and die because it is such a load of work to try to get help.

Now I get to drive myself to the nearest endodontist, with a referral in hand. My doctor's office suggested I get the CT and labs from them, and I point out that my medical coverage is way better than my dental coverage, so I want the CT and labs from my doctor.

And I am someone who KNOWS the system, think of what it is like for the really sick person who DOESN'T.

I will add links later. Fungk it. I have to leave. Chow, puppies.

Frustrated is the word of the day. I hate applying for jobs. I hate jumping through hoops that shouldn't exist like having to retype your resume for a company that has crappy software and can't import it properly. I hate reading job descriptions that all sound the same - who doesn't want a highly motivated, creative, dynamic, strategic employee who is also visionary, and a team player? I feel jaded, cynical, angry at myself for being in this position in the first place, and depressed because it seems as if I've dug myself into a pretty deep job/career related hole. I'm having a similar experience trying to find a different place to live, but on a more positive note I made myself come to the library and work on these stupid job applications for a while.


I just found out that my unemployment application was never received so I had to go through that process again. Getting fired is humiliating. It's embarrassing. It makes you feel like you are a shitty person and nobody is going to want someone who was let go from a freaking grocery store because how hard is it to say hi to customers and put products on shelves? I had to relive the events as I was typing and that was a gut wrenching experience. My hands are cold and my fingernails are purple. I'm kind of shaky and my stomach is not feeling the greatest either. It's rainy and gray outside, but I did what I had to do and filed my claim. Anyone who is applying for unemployment gets to fill out a mandated resume that will be viewed by employers seeking candidates. It was actually somewhat helpful to fill out their form, but still very difficult to face when my mood is already very low.

Even though the weather wasn't fabulous last night I had a great time meeting up with my Tinder date. Since GPS sent me on back roads we agreed to meet at a different location other than the restaurant he had originally suggested. We met at a grocery store in Kenosha because I told him I probably wouldn't be able to eat or drink anything at most restaurants anyways. He's short, but I don't mind that since I'm short myself. I prefer taller men, but almost everyone is taller than I am, and I would never consider height a deal breaker. We walked around the store for a while and he told me to get whatever I wanted which I thought was sweet of him. He helped me read labels and when I apologized for putting him through the great label hunt he told me not to worry about it and said he was really learning a lot which I also really liked.

After we had our food we went to Starbucks to get beverages. It felt like it was at least ninety in there. I didn't mind that, but the poor employees looked very warm. Apparently they have no control over the thermostat, it read 83 when we were in there. I felt really bad for them, and him when he said that he would like to keep talking, but had to get out of the heat. It was so warm I was comfortable, that almost never happens to me. They screwed up both of our drinks, I told them not to worry about it and he said he actually preferred having a cold drink over a warm one like he had ordered so he didn't bother mentioning it. The barista brought me the drink I had ordered so then I had two which was kind of funny. Our table was piled high with drinks and food which made me laugh when I saw how much junk was on it.

I'm a talker and he's a listener who can also contribute when appropriate. I felt like I talked his ear off, but he didn't seem to mind and I appreciated that. He seems insightful and perceptive. One of those people who doesn't say much, but asks questions and makes comments or tells stories to demonstrate that they have heard and understood what you said. He paid for everything and I thought that was nice too. I borrowed my mom's car because the roads were supposed to be terrible. Fortunately they weren't and I made good time once I was on the freeway. We talked about music, he likes rap because he grew up with it and I have no problem with that. I don't totally understand his job, there were two groups of people next to us so it was hard to hear at times. He's quiet and soft spoken, my voice is loud and carries better, I also don't hear well out of my left ear and of course I was nervous about being on a date. 

It sounds as if he is close to his siblings. He just turned 40, he's never been married, and has no children. He gets my sense of humor and that is awesome. He's also very encouraging and supportive. He told me I was cute and that looking younger than I really am is a plus. He wore a Dodgers sweatshirt with jeans, we were both very casual and comfortable, I felt like we got into a conversational groove and ended the date feeling as if I had known him for years rather than hours. He's very accepting and rolls with things, but he can also speak up and be assertive. He seems like one of these people who won't say anything unless it is necessary, and when he says something, he means it. He used to work at a Toyota dealership, when his boss left she took him and I thought that was a great sign. He appears to be very hard working, the type who takes things in, sees what needs to be done, and follows through.

Another thing I thought was cool was his reluctance to inconvenience others. We had trouble with the self service check out register when it wouldn't give him his change. A manager had to come over to help us, he thanked the man for his help, we went back to buy a bottle of water, and he didn't want the manager to have to come back over again so he asked if the station we were at was the same one so we didn't have to hassle with that again. Fortunately it wasn't and we got through without further trouble. We were going to try and get together today since he gets off much earlier, but the woman he works with left early after a death in the family which is understandable. Now he will be stuck working late on his early day, but he is willing because obviously nobody wants to be at work after receiving news that a loved one has passed.

Things that will need to be addressed if we continue to move forward: he has a terrible diet. He knows this and sounds as if he is willing to eat healthier, he doesn't understand what it's like to have multiple food allergies and I give this guy a ton of credit for really noticing what a pain it is to have to think about things like whether or not a Starbucks employee can open a tea bag for you. We both admitted it is tough to cook for yourself when you live alone. I sent him a picture of my lunch since we were discussing it and he thought it looked awesome which I thought was super cute since it didn't seem like anything special to me. He is good with money. I really liked that about him. Sometimes people are a little too frugal, he needs a new car, but is willing to make do for now which I applaud, but also think he could be more open to shopping for one since he works at a dealership. Then again, I just met him and shouldn't interfere.

If it was anything other than a safety issue I would be more inclined to agree with his decision to keep driving the car his brother-in-law gave him, but a vehicle that could stop or stall at any given moment is one I consider unsafe and that makes me concerned for him and other drivers/objects he could encounter. He had some things done to try and fix the problem so it isn't like he's ignoring it, but it didn't work so he is back to square one and that made me feel bad for him. He's left handed and I think that's sexy for some reason. He's very down to earth and we did get to some very personal topics like his parents, mine, and how we grew up. His father was a mechanic and he can't change his own oil is how he phrased it. His dad never spent that kind of time with him and I could tell that there are old wounds there, but he didn't make a big deal about it. 

Probably one of the cutest and sweetest things he did was ask if he could kiss my cheek when we were saying goodbye. I have never had a guy ask me that before and I though that was incredibly classy and perceptive of him. Maybe he doesn't have the fanciest clothes, or the coolest car, but he is all heart when it comes to how others are treated and that's what matters most to me. This morning I was having some second thoughts, I thought I would go on Tinder to check out new matches. I found this super hot guy and we started chatting which was fun, then I find out that he's willing to sleep with me whenever I indicate I'm interested, but has no interest in anything outside of that. He told me I was smart and sweet and hope things work out for me. He'll get what he wants, but he's not going as far as others on an emotional level which is too bad.

Despite recent events, I'm feeling more optimistic. I checked my email and someone reached out for a phone interview which is definitely the pick me up I needed today. I can't figure out how to sign this thing I was sent electronically, I've done that before, but it isn't working now so I have to look into that. I need to just do more things and not worry about how difficult they appear to be. Just show up is how a coaching/PT friend of mine phrased it. I feel very blessed to have met someone who doesn't care that I'm out of work and having some of the other problems I am in my life. Even if we end up as friends, he's a keeper, and someone I want and need in my life. There are some issues, but nobody is perfect and I'm sure he has his own feelings on me that we can't read. But I think we're both grateful to have found each other in a world that is loud, aggressive, hard, and cold.

Maybe my next book will be titled Starbucks At 83 Degrees.

Much love,


P.S. What an emotional upheaval today was. Can hardly believe that everyone else at the library is just calmly sitting here as if my whole world hasn't been shaken up snow globe style. I would love to take him to the art studio. I have a feeling both of us would really enjoy that. I can see myself spending a lot of time with him. He's a very comfortable and stable person to be around. I don't know many people like that and it's been wonderful so far...


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