Yesterday was incredibly rough as far as anxiety goes, however I did a couple of things that were pretty cool. First of all I didn't cook or clean or organize anything. I loaded the dishwasher and ran it, but that was the extent of the housework. I'm such a perfectionist that I sometimes avoid even starting a task because I subconsciously realize the finished task won't meet my impossibly high standards. This is really no way to live. I sent a friend of mine an email that I titled: Insight. I can talk about this guy that I like as a pattern because I can see the repetition here. I want danger, excitement, and drama. He wants safety, security, and money. These things are not congruent, so why the attraction?

He made me feel safe. Once I feel safe I can move out of safety mode and start exploring more of the world around me. My ex was dangerous and exciting, but not in a way that was good for me. He played fast and loose with things like our bills and checking account. This guy likes computers, but he's also into finance. I love reading about money, learning more about it, I like learning about investments and financial products, that world is very familiar to me, I think he represents a part of my life that I feel is gone for good and I'm trying to hang onto him as if that's going to bring those moments back. I used to get very dressed up to go into work. A part of me must miss that. A possible solution - find some clothes that allow me to feel like I'm a part of that again.

Another thing that appeals to me about this guy is how methodical and patient he is. He's quiet, I'm loud, I enjoy being the center of attention and he doesn't. Sometimes people think I should go out with guys like the other guy I asked out who said no. We're too much alike. We'd constantly be competing for attention, that isn't enjoyable for me and he wouldn't like it either. There are different types of conversations that I have with people. This vendor is an ideas guy, we can stand in the aisles talking about product placement and draw energy from each other in an uplifting way. I'm a generally positive and upbeat person, but I need people who ground me which is what this other guy is doing. I need both types of people, but I need stability more than people who will take me on flights of fancy. I'm fanciful enough on my own.

Accuracy and precision appeal to me. The vendor is into rustic wood, fields of buffalo roaming free, and complex packaging. None of that is really me. I like his products, use them, and sell them, but the branding is not my cup of tea. As an impatient person I need slower people who are going to sit down and stick with a task until it's finished. I'm a big routine person. I need, want, and prefer structure, order, and organization. I like nice cars and people who take care of them. Verizon guy told me he was going to wash his car. Things like that are very important to me. My parents don't wash their vehicles, that drives me nuts. My mom's husband maintains his vehicles, but he leaves them outside and I don't think he ever washes them. Salt, dirt, and dust corrode the body of a car and cause a lot of damage. 

When I worked in finance I used to get my car washed every other week. My car wasn't anything special to most people, but it was a big deal to me. I still take care of my car, I had it washed last week after procrastinating for a while and it felt good to drive out of the car wash knowing that I had done something good for myself. Another thing I did yesterday was go bowling with my youngest daughter's class. It was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be. I ended up bowling on the team next to hers. The four girls had one side while me and these three guys were on the other. I've known most of these kids since they were babies, it's interesting to watch the interpersonal dynamics and listen to a bunch of teasing teenagers.

I wasn't paying attention so I accidentally gave a kid on my team a strike. He bowled two gutter balls for me, I had forgotten that there's a way to corrrect a score, it doesn't really matter, but I don't think I've ever had a three strike game before and that would have been kind of cool to see up on the board. I was surprised at how quickly some of these things came back to me. When I was in seventh grade we had a unit on bowling for gym class. We also had one when I was in high school and I liked it because it was a sport I was decent at. When I was in high school I ended up with the highest scoring game out of any of the girls. I had a 151 game and I still remember how good that felt this many years later. Conclusion - I need to go bowling more often. 

Yesterday I called a sporting goods store to check on a mini-trampoline. I found one online for under a hundred dollars that reviewers claim is stable and sturdy. My last one had a problem many reported with another model, the springs start breaking even with light usage. I enjoy activities where there is less running and more opportunities to aim at something. My oldest enjoys archery, I think it might be something I should look into because I think she gets that from me. I'd also like to learn how to golf. I've been saying this for years and haven't ever done anything, I feel like the cost prevents me from going after something I believe I would really enjoy. Possibly solution - start setting aside money for clubs, lessons, shoes, etc...

I need to make a decision about my friend the drunk. He's going to lose his job because he can't manage his depression. He's spiraling downward and I don't like what I'm seeing. I can't help him. I enjoy talking to him some of the time. He has insight that helps me, but I see the dynamic and I don't think I like where I think this is heading. Yesterday I called him around supper time. He called me back, I missed the call because I was doing something else, and by that time I was writing and on a roll so I decided not to call him back. I was contemplating getting back to him after I was ready for bed when I noticed he was calling me. He was mad because I hadn't returned his call earlier and I didn't like that either. I owe him nothing. I will answer the phone or make calls when I feel like it and if he can't handle that, too bad.

Last night I reached out to two women that I believe will be able to help me. One of them cleans homes on the side. I asked what she thought it would take to clean my place. She felt about two hours, but I could tell her how long I wanted her to be there and what I wanted done to help trim costs. This is something I'm going to do for myself. I detest cleaning, I'm good at it, but I work hard and now that my phone bill has been diminished I have some money for someone to come over and clean. A lot of the people I meet are unwilling to spend money to reduce stress. They're spending it on things that increase their stress, I do this too and I'm going to stop doing that now.

My other friend is very kind. I know she cares, I don't know what I want from her, maybe she's a nurturing mother figure in my life. I read some blog posts on how to get over obsessions and how to deal with compulsive thoughts. I feel bad for my kids, I need to let go of the need for control. That will make my life and theirs better. I don't know where that middle ground is or how to find it. I'm a very all or nothing person so I'm either whipping up fabulous meals in my kitchen or there's a couple random odds and ends in the fridge. This polarization is unhealthy. I can change that, I am changing that. The future is mine and I have the power to make it a brighter, better, healthier, safer place for me and others in my life. I'm excited. Today is beauty day at work. I love events so I'm excited about that too. Fun times are ahead. 

Until next time,


P.S. Writing is really helping me. I need to remember to stick with it and make sure I build it into my day first thing every morning. I need an action plan, that's another thing that's on my agenda for today. Yesterday I discovered something interesting about myself. I wrote a chapter out on paper and started typing it out. Pretty soon I found myself deviating from the script and going off on all sorts of crazy tangents. Lesson - write it out on paper, find out how I can overcome that tendency to drift after I have something solid down.

Take care, I feel energized and renewed. Things are going to be okay and even better than that.

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