I decided on New Year's Day that 2020 will be my Year of Courage.

That sounds to me like a Chinese event, like Year of the Rat or Year of the Dragon, except it's totally made up and probably sounds corny. Regardless of how it might sound, my intention for this year is to be more courageous. It's the only way I'll ever progress in my life. Last year was all about reconnecting with friends and family, adjusting to my new living situation, and letting myself heal. I'm still doing those things, but I've gained enough clarity to look further ahead. I can't wallow in self pity forever. It's time to move forward. 

The first thing I did on January 1 was jump in the lake as part of an organized polar bear dip. It's just something I've always wanted to do. Next, I paid off my student loan in full. I'd brought the balance down by the end of December 2019, so all I had to do in January was throw two more paychecks at it. The official confirmation letter from NSLSC came in the mail yesterday. Damn, that feels good.

This month I'm focusing on smaller goals. I went to Little Caesar's last night to grab a pizza and crazy bread, something I've been avoiding since it reminds me of my ex-fiance. However, I couldn't bring myself to download the rest of Supernatural Season 15, which also reminds me of him. This weekend last year is when my relationship blew up in my face. Those memories are floating to the surface, and they're not exactly pleasant to look at. Perhaps today I'll download the episodes and save them for later this week.

Today I went to the Canadian Blood Services clinic. It only comes to our town every couple of months, so I had to plan that ahead of time. Unfortunately, I underestimated how important it is to **drink lots of water beforehand!!** because I didn't do that, and my blood came out too slowly for them to collect enough. Damn it. I sat there for at least 15 minutes with a needle stuck in my arm, squeezing a squishy ball every 5 seconds, only to find out they would have to discard the half-filled collection bag. I used to be too nervous about donating blood to even try it. I have a habit of fainting when needles are stuck in me, and my iron levels used to be at the low end of normal. However, I didn't get dizzy at all today, and I found out my iron levels are in the middle of the normal range. So yeah. Kudos to me for trying. 

My other goal, which I completed last week, was driving to a nearby town. To get there, I had to take Highway 11, which I strongly dislike. The trip went OK, if you disregard the many wrong turns I made. I did take the correct highway exit, but the roundabout right after it confused me. I drove down the wrong road, and then down the correct road the wrong way. Ugh. Thankfully, I did eventually find the store I was looking for and parked without incident. I browsed the second-hand bookstore, bought two books, and got a late lunch at a nearby cafe. I then drove the wrong way, somehow found the correct highway turnoff anyway, and made it home without any more issues. As you might guess, I didn't drive anywhere at all for the rest of the weekend. 

That's pretty much it for now. I'm supposed to take it easy today: drink lots of fluids, don't run around too much. My next move depends on how I feel tomorrow. I can't seem to plan ahead by more than a couple of weeks at a time. It's like I'm running on instinct more than logic. The best analogy I can think of is a worm tunneling towards the surface. It can't see where the hell it is, but it somehow knows where to go after a hard rain, or after someone mixes a tasty pile of compost in the garden. I have vague ideas of what to do next: find my own place to live, start writing for profit again, go to the dentist, run a half-marathon, buy seeds for glass gem corn. When and how will I do those things? Like hell if I know. All I know for sure is that I will, at some point, do them this year.

Done rambling now. Hopefully this log is a little more positive than my other ones. 

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.