I have had better days, but I have also had days that were much worse. My day started at 4:02 which was earlier than I had planned on waking. After lazing around in bed I did some reading. I thought I would log in and write, but the drafts weren't available so I turned to pen and paper again. I wrote a letter to that guy I liked. I redid the poem and wrote that out. I'm glad I did that even though those people will never see it. Today's mantra was Stress is a choice. This is true so I kept repeating it to myself as I walked up and down the aisles at work. My boss has been getting it from her superiors, today I got yelled at in front of several others. It ended up working in my favor, people were shocked that I was getting dressed down like that in a fairly public setting, but I took it in stride because I know my boss has a serious anger problem.
Anger used to be my default state. I find myself less angry now than I used to be. Part of it is training, part of it is the things I take to stay calm, another aspect is how I talk to myself. I tell myself that I forgive whoever is hurting me and it's surprisingly effective at diffusing my anger. After work I went to Verizon to get my bill straightened out. I owe them almost a hundred dollars, I lost the prepaid money I gave them, chalk that up to experience, but I didn't know their coverage didn't extend to my apartment. I was going to go home and call them to see if they could do a network extender or something, but then I decided to drive to AT&T because I wanted service tonight. Call me impetuous or impatient, I'm glad I took positive action instead of stewing further.
Before I went to Verizon I called to make sure the manager I needed to speak with would be there. I'm not really sure why she had me stop by since my bill wasn't affected, but I had a nice long girl chat with her which was unexpected and kind of cool. The guy avoided me, I can't blame him there, but at least he was civil when I arrived. I won't ever have to see him again now that I'm back at AT&T. I thought about deleting his number from my phone, that's probably the smart thing to do, but I'm not there yet. What hurts is not having the things I thought I would have at this point in my life. I don't really care about the place I have as much as I thought I would.
Feeling homesick for a house I hated living in is a strange roller coaster to ride. My apartment doesn't feel like home. I want a condo or a home of my own. It doesn't have to be anything special, but I want to paint and do things my way. I guess that's more important to me than I realized previously. I wanted to cry on the way to AT&T, but I didn't start sobbing until I was on my way home again. I would have liked to get everything out, but I couldn't. The good news is that in March I'll have my four day work week. Almost every day I tell myself to hold on and hang in there just a bit longer. I set these mini goals for myself and try to survive until I can get through whatever difficulty I'm experiencing. Right now that reward is the four days a week.
I'm going to set up a routine and stick to it. Health is habits. Habits determine how successful you will be at achieving your goals. I follow a guy on Twitter who breaks down how to achieve a goal. First you have to set one. Sounds obvious, but that's one of the hard things for me. Once you have a goal, you need to let others know so they can support you and help hold you accountable. Then you have to have some strategies to help guide you along the goal achievement path. After that you need some tasks. Starting is the hard part, I know I need to set goals for myself. I have vague thoughts, but nothing formal written down. I guess a goal for me would be setting some new goals like getting a cool car and saving at least $500 a month or increasing my 401(k) contributions.
Today a customer said he should hire me to be a customer service representative at the company he owns. He's going out of town for two weeks, I really like the guy, he's action oriented, decisive, and he's interested in health and wellness which is always a bonus for me. I was surprised when he said that because I didn't dress up for work the way I normally do. A friend of mine sent me a shirt and a blanket that she made. My boss told me it didn't meet the dress code, but I wore it anyways. We're supposed to wear plain clothes at work, this had writing on it, but it was obscured by my apron so I thought I would be fine. I didn't get into any formal trouble, but it was still annoying.
I'm really good at my job and I'm only going to get better. People know me, they like me, I enjoy the people I work with for the most part, I like a lot of our vendors and feel comfortable selling their products and endorsing them. One guy in particular is great. He makes juice and markets it to gyms and yoga studios. We carry his products, I've had some neat interactions with him and suspect those will continue. When that guy I like said it was kind of me to say nice things to him I dismissed that as being relatively unimportant. Then the juice guy sent me a series of wonderfully affirming texts and I thought that kid had been right. It is nice to hear that someone else sees the good in you.
I do have an infectious personality and apparently I radiate positive energy when I'm at work. I would believe that since I'm committed to what I do and appreciate the chances I'm being given. But I'm very fed up with the crisis management that's going on and tired of getting blamed for situations I didn't create, worked hard to resolve, and have no power to control. After a while yelling becomes noise. The friend that I was working with asked me if I ever felt like walking off of a job. I felt like that earlier, but then I got my head on straight and realized that the show much continue. Being calmer is probably one of the most notable and significant changes I've made recently. I'm incredibly grateful that I was introduced to products that reduce my stress and anxiety.
Periodically I need a perspective check. I am a rock star at work. I'm ridiculously organized, smart, efficient, cool in true crisis situations, and able to step back and distance myself when others are losing their shit. The other day a woman I work with said she thinks I should be the manager of that department. In a way she's right. I'm a great manager, but I would never want that job. I hate ordering things. I would also not want my head to be on the chopping block the way that hers is. We get protected from the toxic rants she experiences. That's her job and the only reason I stay there is because of her. The moment she's asked to leave, I'm right there behind her and so is at least one other woman in my department.
Even though I don't own much, compared to people in other countries I have an abundance of personal possessions. Living in such a small space is forcing me to take some good hard looks at what I have and what I buy. I'm getting better although I still have much room for improvement. Despite the disappointments of today I'm in a good place. Quite possibly this is the best place I have ever been. I have a place of my own, I just cut my phone bill by more than $100/month, I saved money by reducing the debt I owe to the attorney, and I know that being able to go to yoga and have that extra day off will be good for me. At work I see so many people who aren't managing their stress well. I'm committed to taking care of myself and I'm proud of making me a higher priority than I have.
I said I would write about the guy at work who likes me. For months he was a face without a name. He's very attractive to me, but since there's a language barrier we don't speak often. I'm friends with his cousin, that's how we met. He has dark eyes, hair, and skin. I've kissed his face and cheek, but never his mouth. I would like to, but I have standards and those never include hooking up with married men. Even if his marriage is on the rocks and he'll probably end up getting divorced anyways, nobody is going to pin anything on me. We hug and kiss at work. It was odd when I first started working there, now I can't imagine a day going by where I didn't have that arm around me or that kiss from people who love me.
Tonight I'm listening to the soundtrack from The Last of the Mohicans. It's three hours long and I just love it. Since I've been listening to Christian radio stations I've increased the quality of my programming. I disagree with a lot of what they say politically, but it's interesting to hear another side. There are several things I like about Christian radio. First of all there aren't the regular commercials. They're more annoying than I ever realized. Secondly I enjoy listening to sacred and religious music. It fills a void in my life I didn't know was there. There's a warmth, depth, and richness to the music. It's nurturing, soothing, passionate, and it cuts my stress when I'm stuck in traffic.
Finally I love the sermons. My father was a pastor for many years. My grandfather was, I have uncles who preach, my aunt once told me I could if I put my mind to it. I think I would listen to it even if I didn't believe most of what they were saying because the ministers are generally well spoken. I like the story tellers, that appeals to me. I'm writing about a guy who is very musically inclined, this is a link to his world. Sometimes the people I write about are so real to me I find myself almost talking about them as if they were alive. I haven't done much writing, but I have my Hawaiian Airlines pen next to my looseleaf paper when the opportunity arrives.
I'm blessed to be where I'm at today. It was incredibly difficult to walk into AT&T. I despise them and I like Verizon. But I was making a break from an unhealthy association and that's what matters most. Sometime I'll write about emotional availability and why I have a tendency to attract those who aren't there for me. It's this cat and mouse game where the harder you try the more desparate you seem and the further they pull away from you. I'm done with him and his ridiculousness. Going back to AT&T was my way of saying, hey, I don't care if you don't want me, I love myself enough to do what's right for me. Tough decision, but I'm glad I made it and acted on it while I was still motivated.
I'm working on myself and that will pay off whether I meet someone or remain single for the rest of my life. I like the guy at work, but I don't see a future for us. I like him the way that people should like each other, flaws and all. He has a six year old and a six month old. He works two jobs and puts up with a lot of flak at work. I'm privileged to have been born a white woman in this country. I'm not the advocate for others that I could be, but I'm a bright spot in the dimness for many. I hold nothing against anyone who doesn't want to go out with me, they need to honor themselves, but I do not appreciate mixed signals and that's going to be something I work on since I know sometimes my genuine care for others is misinterpreted.
I'm so tired I can hardly stand it. Tonight I stopped by the knitting shop. It was closed, but there was a sign on the door with their hours of operation. At the bottom was a social schedule. It was a sign and something I needed to see. Knitters are cool people. I learn a lot from them. Despite my ineptitude I enjoy working with yarn and turning a skein of yarn into a product. My stitches are pretty even for a beginner. I have the scarf I made, but I'm thinking about getting rid of it since I don't see a lot of value in keeping it. Tonight I feel like I could write forever. I really missed it, much more than I give it credit for, writing is a force in my life.
It was disconcerting to realize that I've been here for almost nine years. That's nine long years of pain, suffering, joy, anguish, love affairs, heartbreak, excitement, jobs, children, drama, and the occasional thing I write that has nothing to do with my life. The other day I thought about writing something footwear related. I wonder if those days are gone. The longer I'm away from that environment the less I remember. I could get back into it. Maybe I will. I have expert knowledge and I miss it. I miss baseball terribly, but today I was able to conjure up the perpetual game I keep in my mind. I've written about it before. The impossibly blue skies, the verdant grass, the runner on first, the sky cracking open, those first salty drops that fall from the storm dark clouds.
Sometimes I have a recurring dream that I'm at a game in the rain. Lightning scorches the sky and I start to run. I run as hard and as fast as I can, but home plate never appears before me. I'm running from things, but also to someone or something else. It's a scary dream, I'm there alone. I have no fans, no team behind me, no opponents. It's just me racing against the weather. But it's a cool dream too. I wouldn't wish it away, I believe I would miss it if I was gone. I'm not really me in the dream. I'm someone else. Someone I want to be. I'm creating that person, slowly, very slowly, but she's emerging. Someday I'll have those things that I long for now. I doubt they'll bring me the peace that seems to be lacking in my life. Cars, houses, men; tranquility has to come from within.
Being your own best friend is a tough job. I'm glad I'm up for the task.