Last Thursday my therapist told me she wanted me to get back to journaling. Taking a break wasn't a conscious decision. I dislike my computer, these days I prefer to scribble on paper, but there's something familiar and comfortable about being here again. Last night I laid in bed listening to music, this morning I did the same thing. I love music, It always seems to capture and express the things I can't quite verbalize. After reading a blog post on morning routines I decided to start reading before I do anything else. When I can manage this and stick to my routine, I'm a much calmer person. I've started taking more products designed to neutralize stress and anxiety. It's made a difference and I'm happy I work at a place where they are more affordable than they would be if I purchased them elsewhere.
While work has been going well I've decided to go down to four days a week. Previously I had shared this idea with my fellow employees, then I mentioned it to my boss during the open forum part of our meeting last Wednesday. Two of the women I work with are being a bit petty. There are always trade offs in life. The shoulder is a flexible joint, but it lacks the strength of the hip. The hip is a much stronger joint, but it doesn't have the flexibility of the shoulder. Each joint is designed to perform a specific function. Right now I feel like going down to four days is worth the financial hit. It's probably something I should have done long ago, but I'm doing it now and proud of myself for tackling the issue.
The last two guys I asked out said no. I didn't really want to go out with the first one so I'm having trouble figuring out why I'm mad at him. I think it's because women at work told me he liked me. He's a flirt, I told them he's just being friendly, but they said he wouldn't bring up the fact that his grandmother asked him when he was going to get a girlfriend if he didn't want me to know he was single. If I had to guess, I'd say I'm angry because he gave off clear signals that he was interested, said no to me, and then made a point of staring at me and talking to me the last time I was at the store. I hate games like that. He is cute, this is what the women I work with keep saying, but he isn't my type and doesn't really appeal to me. I prefer sexy to cute and I can't exactly explain the difference in a way that satisfies me.
At some point in time I'd like to sit down and map out the timeline that took me from AT&T to Verizon and back again. After I got divorced it was my responsibility to get my own cell phone service. The woman at Verizon was not very helpful. I was told I couldn't use my iPhone so I went out and bought a cheapie at Wal-Mart. It was a low point in my life and I'm pleased to report that I've attained a much higher quality of life since then. She changed my phone number on me, I was so stunned I didn't really know what to do or how to react. Throughout this exchange a guy she worked with was sitting there taking in the conversation. I didn't really think much of that at the time, but after AT&T screwed me over so badly I remembered that he had been nice to me.
More on this in a moment, but I've been doing some cool things to take charge of my finances. I was so mad at AT&T for their ridiculous charges, inexactitude, and the general fuck you vibe I got from them I paid off both of the phones and cancelled my daughter's iPad. I told my friends at Verizon that I would rather hand over a thousand dollars to those jackbags than to have to keep sending them a monthly payment. I'm still locked into a one year internet contract. Hopefully I'll be able to get rid of them when I move. While I was at Verizon the guy I remembered was helping me figure out what the best plan of action was. I had stopped by to get information, but after talking to him I went ahead with the switch.
At that time I had asked if going to a prepaid plan would be a better option. He said no and I promptly forgot the reasoning behind his explanation. It was late, I was tired, I wanted to get out of there and get to the chiropractor so I was not in the of best moods or a great frame of mind having worked all day after dropping my oldest off at school in the morning. While I was at the store I remember thinking, wow, this is exceptional service, Verizon must really want my business. Time went by and I thought to myself, this guy is flirting with me. He was very smooth about it, his boss was sitting right next to him, nothing he said was out of line, but he managed to get a lot of personal information out of me before I realized what he was doing.
I wasn't sure I had been reading things right so I went home after my phone was on a new plan. But he stayed on my mind. Several people have asked if I'm misconstruing a typical sales transaction for a flirtatious interaction. That hurt my feelings even though I understand why people are asking. He needed my social security number. He did not need to ask where I was born. He's typically a very quiet individual, I thought he was being more talkative and less introverted than usual because he was trying to sell me something, but I had already made up my mind to switch. He could have sold me more than he did, but he didn't try to push anything on me other than the equivalent of what I had previously.
Since he and his boss had spent more than an hour listening to my drama and helping me I dropped off a note with a small bottle of orange hand sanitizer. He was working when I stopped by, I handed him the objects and left him to help his other customer. He stayed on my mind, this is a problem I have with guys, they get under my skin and don't leave until that particular itch gets scratched. I knew he was very young, I had tried to figure out how old he was when I was talking to him and his boss, but I didn't want to come right out and ask. He put his name tag on when I was there, I thought that was interesting. He's a very cautious and deliberate person with fantastic taste. He's not afraid to wear bold colors, I like that about him.
At first I thought his eyes were brown, they're actually an extremely deep dark blue, but it's a cool blue, I might even call it deep purple if I was feeling fanciful. The next time I stopped by his left eye was red and irritated. When I asked him about it he mentioned there had been a dog in the store and he was allergic. I had stopped by to ask him out, I asked if he was a movie person, he said he wasn't, I felt really stupid after that, but tossed two movie tickets on the desk for him with the explanation that I felt he was on the fast track to burnout and I felt he needed a break from work and school. I learned that he was a double finance and computer science major. Initially he was pursuing economics and finance, but then he dropped econ since he felt he was trying to force it.
I could have spent the rest of the night talking to him, but getting rejected takes a toll on the ego so I left when the next customer entered. He had shown me his business card while I was there. Since he does things intentionally and purposefully I wondered why I had been shown the cards. The next time I was in, I wanted to switch back to a prepaid account, a guy he worked with said something about business cards. I picked his up and saw that his number was on the bottom. I'm naturally curious and impulsive, but I thought about it for a while before I sent him a text. I didn't hear back from him until the next day. I kind of expected that, I wasn't entirely sure he would get back to me, but he did and that was pretty cool since it gave me insight into how he uses written language.
Switching back to a prepaid account was a totally dumb move on my part. I had forgotten that one of the reasons I got rid of Verizon was because I didn't get good service at my place. It took a sale away from him, caused a voicemail issue for me, and then I got wrapped up in this big melodrama because I had to go back into the store to switch to a postpaid account ASAP so I could start sending and receiving calls and texts again. Friday morning I had an appointment that went way over. I had wanted to come in at 10:00, the manager said 12:00 would be a better time, I thought he didn't work until 2:00 so I thought I could get in and out of there without ever seeing him. When he walked in he said hi, went straight in back, and stayed there for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time.
I felt like shit after that. I got out of there as fast as I could after he asked what I was waiting for when his manager was in back. I was such a space cadet that day I forgot that she had told me to sign up for autopay. There's a discount associated with that, I got that done and fled, but before I was out the door he said 'See you'. I can't recall what I said, but later on I thought that was an interesting parting statement on his part. I agonized over the interaction for the rest of the day, went to bed early, and sent him a text apologizing for the extremely awkward encounter. Saturday morning I woke up in a pretty good mood. I decided I had made a mistake, I would never have to go to that Verizon again, I had taken a gamble, rolled the dice on a younger man, and lost. No big deal. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Right.
Work went well on Saturday. I felt great when I punched out and checked my phone. I was surprised to see a text from him telling me not to worry about yesterday and that I wouldn't need to make a special appointment when he wasn't there to get my bill straightened out. He thanked me for my kind words and ended with a sentence about it being hard to find nice people these days. I was chatting with my neighbor about him. When he said he couldn't go out with me he said another woman had asked him out and he would feel hypocritical if he said yes to me. Since I hadn't really wanted to go to a movie anyways I was fine with that. There was a lot going on that night for such a brief conversation.
I sent him a couple of texts that I probably shouldn't have, but I don't regret anything I said which is an unusual experience for me. I told him that nice people were everywhere, I reminded him that his kindness was what brought me back to Verizon, I said that my conversation with him prompted me to go to the bank and meet with a personal banker, I told him I would introduce him to a friend of mine if he wanted to meet a very sweet and fun accounting major who doesn't feel as if she has time to date either. Another friend of mine had been talking to me about the situation, we have some sort of a connection, we have conversational chemistry, it didn't feel sexual to me and I'm not the type of woman who likes to give out those vibes unless I'm positive that they're going to be received the right way.
Last night I was listening to music and thinking about him. There's a song I just love, it's Italian, and in it the woman explains how feminine she feels around the man. I've watched several videos for it. Some of them feature her by herself, others had hearts and flowers, one was blatantly erotic, another one less so. That's the one I sent to him after I told him that I wanted him to do me a favor and take a break from studying. I told him he could learn to speak Italian the easy way. I have no idea where this is going, I wanted to give him choices and for him to see that he has options. I'm not looking to get married or get into a serious long term relationship. I want to go out, have some fun, and maybe get kissed at the end of the night. He's busy, but he's not as busy as he thinks that he is. I vividly remember what a grind school was and how it seemed like a career was so far away. I didn't date much and I regret those missed opportunities.
Friday afternoon he was wearing a dark rose colored shirt. His manager commented that it was a good color on him. He has superb taste in shirts. The fabric fits him well, it captures his personality perfectly and complements his hair and skin. Valentine's Day is right around the corner. I'm going to get some things for three of my favorite cellular service providers, but I can't decide what I should get them. I have an endless list of gifts I could give to him, he's very easy for me to buy for, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I admire his taste and want to reward a job well done. Maybe I feel like he needs a little pick me up, maybe I want him to have things that remind him of me, maybe I'm just generous and a nice person, maybe it's because he does deliver exceptional service, perhaps it's all of these things or none of them, maybe I just want to shop.
When I got my nails done the color the manicurist chose for me is Uneqivocally Crimson. I've been searching for a signature color for most of my life. Strawberry Margarita was a fave of mine, but I got tired of the bright pink color despite it looking good on me. This is the color I've been seeking. It has enough blue in it to keep it cool and enough red to keep it bright. Cool and bright are my colors. Coincidentally they're also the colors he can wear. His neutral is black, mine is white. We both have fair skin and hair, we might even be mistaken for relatives if people were judging us on our ability to wear certain colors and styles. My skin has cool undertones. If anything I think his is even cooler than mine. He's very cool and analytical, I can be, but that's not my natural state.
Where am I going to go from here? I have no idea, but I'm excited for the adventure. Now that I have a better idea of what I want in a man, the hunt became much more focused. Having prey in your site is a unique experience. I don't want to trap or shoot him, I want him to be free. That's another first for me. Maybe this is just a brief interlude with someone that I believe knows how to bring great pleasure to a woman. He makes me feel sexy and powerful, he also makes me feel very safe. I could walk away, that might be the best plan of action, but I feel like I've been waiting so long for someone who knows how to flirt like this that I don't want to let him go without trying to make his life a bit brighter. He has a shy smile. I'd love to be able to see it more often. But a lot of life is accepting what we have and being content with that. I think he's lonely and I'm probably a safe target for him. I've written all of this without getting into the other guy who likes me at work. I guess that's a topic for another day.
Please be well,
J
P.S. I wrote a poem to my friends at Verizon. Not sure if they'll ever see it, but you can have a peek if you're interested:
Almost every day I meet people who are lost. At work I'm confident and decisive. I help guide people to appropriate products and away from things I believe will be of little or no value to them, But as soon as I punch out I forget everything I tell others. It's strange to think of the three of you as friends when I don't really know you well.
After I got divorced I was very shaken up. Last December seemed like the lowest point of my life. I was hospitalized and treated for severe depression. That was just part of the problem. Then I was in a bad car accident. My ex had promised to insure my car. But he let my coversage lapse.
I should have retained an attorney. But I didn't know how much I needed one. That cost me a lot of money at a time when I didn't have it. I had no car and no money to replace my Saab. I'm a car person. I love to get in my car and drive. I had a very fun car. And now it's gone. It feels as if a part of me died with my beautiful baby car.
But then I got a job. And I heard someone say nice things about me. I helped others. That helped me. It was a mistake to leave Verizon for AT&T. I wish I would have done many things differently. But perhaps if I would have been smarter, I wouldn't have gotten to know any of you.
Thank you for your time, your patience, your expertise, and your friendship.
jessicaj
This was supposed to be an exercise in exploring my feelings. I wish I knew why those remain so hard for me to identify. Years of repression I guess. The other day my daughter Jane asked me what my greatest fear was. At the time I denied that being alone was a fear of mine. It is and it isn't. I'm not really afraid of it, it's a reality I acknowledge. I alternate between feeling nothing except the numb empty hollow ache, and feeling way too much to process. But I'm still far better than I was. Radical lifestyle changes will do that to the committed. I still need to learn how to relax and have fun again. There's a certain irony in trying to coach another workaholic out of the noose and away from the gallows, I never realized there's a certain comfort in having that rough raw rope encircling my neck when the only person in control of how tight it's being pulled is me. My therapist would be proud of me, but more importantly, today I am proud of myself.
Please do me a favor, reach out to the workaholics in your life. They need you even if they may not appreciate your outreach efforts. Try a small gift. The distance between life, death, and what it takes to pull someone off of the ledge or watch them step over it can be tiny. I'm so used to being an emotional person it feels strange to be able to contemplate suicidal thoughts with detachment. As my anxiety is reduced I'm finding that my moods aren't as high as they used to be. This is a scary thing for me, it feels like I've forgotten how to get caught up in the exhilaration of a moment or event. At some level I recognize that hysteria and histrionics aren't a 'good mood', but on another level if you're going to be seeing perpetual midnight for a while you might as well experience euphoria at high noon. The other day I read something about the rapid cycling bi-polar people. That scared me. On my list of things to buy for myself is the OCD workbook. We have five coasters at work. I can't handle it if the orange and pink pattern is broken. How crazy is that?
Okay, I wrote this and now I feel both better and worse. Going to go eat breakfast. I think I need to take a break from the seriousness for a while, but I don't know how to get away. When I was contemplating what I was afraid of a passage in a book came to me, I think I'm afraid of dying with things in my in-box. More crazy. But less crazy than not acknowledging that fact.
Xoxo,
j
Several people have reached out to welcome me back. This is appreciated. Everything feels familiar yet new. It's unsettling. But at least a good song is playing. I want to get into old movies. I love the classics. I'll have to find someone to watch them with again. Baseball games too. I'm excited for the 2017 season. I know I'll feel better when the games are back. I always do. Sports therapy is key to my recovery process. Friends, fun, the clean sharp and crisp. I miss that. The sun is shining. I need to get outside and let it warm me from the inside out.
I love an awful lot of you. Please remember that...