Tomorrow: I'm going to see my nurse practitioner. I'm going to write down a list of questions, and tests I want done. I'm going to go in for a general exam, and hopefully walk out with a better idea of where I'm going in terms of my health. This will cost a lot of money, but she's done the most for the least, so I'm returning to her. I don't want to start over with anyone else right now. Modern medicine is a marvel, when it works for you.

Tuesday: I'm getting my hair cut. I'm also going in to visit a new therapist. Years ago my sister told me that she thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder. At the time, I laughed off her armchair analysis. Now, I'm not so sure. I have my paperwork completed, and I'm (kind of) looking forward to meeting this woman. I'm hoping she can help me with some of my issues, and if not, I'm going to find someone who can.

Tuesday night is also the Dave Ramsey class. I'm a bit disappointed by the class, but that's okay. It's been beneficial for people in my family so I'm taking that away from the experience. It hasn't hurt me any, and I'd normally work on Tuesday, but I have the day off due to my therapy appointment. Work has been going well so far. I like the kids, and have some ideas for the program that I hope are implemented, or at least not ignored.

Today I took a walk even though it was raining. I went shopping with my daughter, and left a Coach purse at Goodwill after I discovered that it had a small rip in the bottom seam. I tried to negotiate with the manager, the purse was priced at $30, she said she would give me $2 off, I asked if she would take $20, she said no, so I walked away from it.

Ash Wednesday: My daughter's final day of boot camp is this coming Wednesday. Her instructor is really good with the kids, they work hard, but he doesn't yell at them. If they're walking on the far side of the track, and running when they pass him, he doesn't make a big deal of it. I'd like to sign my daughter up for the next session however transportation, and finances are issues. I would also like to be able to go to the seven o'clock service at church as Lent is my favorite season of the holy year.

On Thursday, I'll be meeting with my daughter, and her therapist together. I've been getting along with my oldest daughter better since she started therapy. It's been worth it to see some attitude changes in her, and I'm so grateful that I took her in when I did. Today she found a pink wooden BFF sign that I suggested she purchase for her best friend's birthday. She liked my idea to put pictures of her and her friend in the B, so I'm going to talk to her friend's mother tomorrow.

I'm still really struggling with my youngest daughter. I would like to get her in to therapy as well, but there's resistance at home. I don't really need other people's permission to do things, but it feels to me like I do. Living with people whose value systems are not mirroring mine leaves me wounded, exhausted, and homicidal, not a typo. I control my rage as best as I can, either through suppression, writing, trying to be who I am regardless, but water wears away stone, although I prefer to think of myself as a pearl, warming to human touch, and absorbing oils from skin to skin contact.

Friday I'll be working by myself, and then it will be the weekend again. I'm curious to hear what my therapist will say about the things that I write about. I haven't gotten past the silliness, maybe I never will. I've learned to love, to let go of some hate, to dive into myself, to dig deeper, to laugh when I run into those who are insecure around me, and to be more relaxed through various mechanisms at my disposal such as music, yoga, the sauna, bathing with essential oils, and just lying on my bed and thinking.

In the past, I was a victim of drama. A woman I admire invited me to move in with her. I had a long text conversation with her, she had a nervous breakdown back in March. I'd love to hear more about her past, but for now, I'm content that I have her as a great friend. She told me that I needed to get mad, and stay mad, because leaving is tough. I know that, which is why I shrink away from it. The vitamins I've been taking help, talking to my Twitter friends helps. I no longer feel close to many of the friends I thought I had made here, and I wonder if that's them, me, or a bit of both producing the arrhythmia.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been, and for tonight, that's enough. Looking forward to a bath before I go to bed.

Goodnight friends.


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