Tomorrow: I'm going to see my nurse practitioner. I'm going to write
down a list of questions, and tests I want done. I'm going to go in for a
general exam, and hopefully walk out with a better idea of where I'm
going in terms of my health. This will cost a lot of money, but she's
done the most for the least, so I'm returning to her. I don't want to
start over with anyone else right now. Modern medicine is a marvel, when
it works for you.
Tuesday: I'm getting my hair cut. I'm also going in to visit a new
therapist. Years ago my sister told me that she thought I had
Borderline Personality Disorder. At the time, I laughed off her armchair analysis. Now,
I'm not so sure. I have my paperwork completed, and I'm (kind of)
looking forward to meeting this woman. I'm hoping she can help me with
some of my issues, and if not, I'm going to find someone who can.
Tuesday night is also the Dave Ramsey class. I'm a bit disappointed by the class,
but that's okay. It's been beneficial for people in my family so I'm
taking that away from the experience. It hasn't hurt me any, and I'd
normally work on Tuesday, but I have the day off due to my therapy
appointment. Work has been going well so far. I like the kids, and have
some ideas for the program that I hope are implemented, or at least not
Today I took a walk even though it was raining. I went shopping with
my daughter, and left a Coach purse at Goodwill after I discovered that
it had a small rip in the bottom seam. I tried to negotiate with the
manager, the purse was priced at $30, she said she would give me $2 off,
I asked if she would take $20, she said no, so I walked away from it.
Ash Wednesday: My daughter's final day of boot camp is this coming
Wednesday. Her instructor is really good with the kids, they work hard,
but he doesn't yell at them. If they're walking on the far side of the
track, and running when they pass him, he doesn't make a big deal of it.
I'd like to sign my daughter up for the next session however
transportation, and finances are issues. I would also like to be able to
go to the seven o'clock service at church as Lent is my favorite season
of the holy year.
On Thursday, I'll be meeting with my daughter, and her therapist
together. I've been getting along with my oldest daughter better since
she started therapy. It's been worth it to see some attitude changes in
her, and I'm so grateful that I took her in when I did. Today she found a
pink wooden BFF sign that I suggested she purchase for her best
friend's birthday. She liked my idea to put pictures of her and her
friend in the B, so I'm going to talk to her friend's mother tomorrow.
I'm still really struggling with my youngest
daughter. I would like to get her in to therapy as well, but there's
resistance at home. I don't really need other people's permission to do
things, but it feels to me like I do. Living with people whose value
systems are not mirroring mine leaves me wounded, exhausted, and
homicidal, not a typo. I control my rage as best as I can, either
through suppression, writing, trying to be who I am regardless, but
water wears away stone, although I prefer to think of myself as a pearl,
warming to human touch, and absorbing oils from skin to skin contact.
Friday I'll be working by myself, and then it will be the weekend
again. I'm curious to hear what my therapist will say about the things
that I write about. I haven't gotten past the silliness, maybe I never
will. I've learned to love, to let go of some hate, to dive into myself,
to dig deeper, to laugh when I run into those who are insecure around
me, and to be more relaxed through various mechanisms at my disposal
such as music, yoga, the sauna, bathing with essential oils, and just lying on my bed and thinking.
In the past, I was a victim of drama. A woman I admire invited me to
move in with her. I had a long text conversation with her, she had a
nervous breakdown back in March. I'd love to hear more about her past,
but for now, I'm content that I have her as a great friend. She told me
that I needed to get mad, and stay mad, because leaving is tough. I know
that, which is why I shrink away from it. The vitamins I've been taking
help, talking to my Twitter friends helps. I no
longer feel close to many of the friends I thought I had made here, and I
wonder if that's them, me, or a bit of both producing the arrhythmia.
I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been, and for
tonight, that's enough. Looking forward to a bath before I go to bed.