You know how I always say shit like "None of us have anything"? Well, that's largely true, but there are a few possessions. Two in fact. Bonds and reins. Despite my whole Lee Hazlewood "I'm over her, finally, it's that day" schtick, I still talk to her on MSN and listen to her say things that make me completely furious. But instead of letting her know I'm furious and ending it there (like a human man would), I think it best to act all friendly and courteous and what not (like a fucking rube).
I mean, there is no question of me loving her again or "going out" with her again, obviously. But still, she has a ridiculous hold over me and every time I talk to her I end up attuning my state of mind to hers in some way. She's got reins and I've got bonds and it fucking sucks and I'm a fucking idiot for it.
All this Buddhist crap I've been reading lately isn't taking well either. It's only heightening everything, and Hegel sure as fuck isn't a palliative. He just makes me feel that everything I worry about is a symptom of "bad consciousness" and petty narrow-minded historical dust.
My problem (one problem) is that beneath all the misogyny and misanthropy I can't help but love the people I've let into my life even if they fuck me over a hundred times. I forget everything, I forgive everything and I probably shouldn't. I can't even hold a god damned grudge properly: I end up just being mad at myself for being so petty and then giving it up. My problems are the least of my problems: it's shit that I think is good about me that ends up being the worst.
Just writing that made me feel a bit better actually. Despite being enraged over MSN, there is still 1600 km between her and I, between visual reminders of me being a sucker. And that distance is soon to be multiplied by 10.
The winter can warm you up sometimes.
I feel like the Ob today. Cold and luxuriously forested.
(((((For my amusement during the long dark of winter.)))))
Pretty soon taiga will give way to tundra again.
A sojourn abroad.
An entertaining weekend, which reminds me of what I used to be like and what I'm like now. All the Montrealers wake up at 1 o'clock. Rob's new music is off the cling clang; everyone else is solid gold.
A brief catalogue of events.
Day One: entertaining bus ride with George; mob-sesh at Reggies complete with George melting his jacket and 8 pitchers for 5 dollars (total); rambling harmonica duets; weed smoke; street bombing journey to Derek's show; Al Taib; finding a gangster's lid; wylin' at the show; almost getting in a fight but instead of a punch in the dome: 2 free drinks; ...the long walk home.
Day Two. Attempted breakfast meetings; mid-afternoon poutine; successful breakfast meeting; the exchange 2.0 with Peru and Geo; soiree at casa del Jerome; privileged video screenings; rolldeep to the Sala Rosa; imbibe liquors aplenty; celebrate Bobby's birthday; knuckle crushing; sleepwalk to Iris'.
Day Three: Enbreakfasting with same squad, vacating the premises forthwith.
Finished reading Silk, satisfied with it.
Now I'm seeing everything in terms of trick shots and geometry. None of the angles are playing off yet. Every night, dreaming, I spy an errant parabola leading straight to her- wake up and: impossible.
Unreasonably fascinated with unreasonable people and unreasonable things.
I'm reading Silk which Earl graciously lent to me. It's a very good book. I particularly like the following lines.
"The startled flock of birds rose in the air like a cloud of smoke released from a house on fire. The flock was so vast it could have been spotted at a distance of several days' march from there. It darkened the sky, with no goal other than its own fright."
I've been thinking about things I like to do, and things I dislike doing. Here is a list of such things.
I enjoy smoking drugs and drawing, swimming in lakes, dancing like a retard, staying up until an hour before I have to leave the house in order to finish a good book, eating delicious meals, sleeping in way too late, laughing at jokes involving barf, playing Ms. Pac Man, going to Halifax, and forgetting who to love more.
I do not enjoy smoking drugs and seeing people from high school, swimming in over-crowded public pools, dancing well, reading books that peter out 50 pages in, eating overpriced meals, not getting enough sleep, laughing at jokes made by employers, playing XIII, going to jail, or remembering why I don't love someone.
So finally the day has come when Lee Hazlewood is correct.
'Some day you'll think "I don't miss her, I don't need her" but that day isn't today"
Well finally that day is today.
I'm back on my grind, serious. I mean I still like her and all, but my whole despondent teenage crying myself to sleep shit, I think that's extinctioned at this point. That's pretty good news for those of us like me who care about me.
In other news, the Montreal plan is fixin' up to be sweetness and light. And by that I mean getting stynko and destroying shit.
Fuck what you heard, Burkey-B is back in the saddle son!