It’s a damn slow day at the office and I’m bored out of my mind so I figured “what the hell”, it can’t hurt to try to write about this.

Or, maybe it can, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Let me state that I, personally, have never attempted to fart through a vuvuzela so what follows is pure speculation on my part. If anybody out there has prior experience doing this sort of thing, please let me know and I’ll be happy to update this write up accordingly.

For those of you who might not know what a vuvuzela is allow me to give you a crash course. Somewhat similar to the shofar, a vuvuzela is a horn first used in Africa and based off the horn of a kudu. Since it produces a low monotonous sound that can carry over long distances it was originally used to summon villagers and tribes for community gatherings.

Nowadays, it’s made of plastic and is commonly seen (and, unfortunately heard) at soccer games throughout South Africa. The practice has also spread to Brazil and other parts of South America.

There was some controversy during the recent World Cup matches held in South Africa in 2010 about the noise level that was attained when you have 75,000 or so people all blowing into their vuvuzela at the same time. Some experts claim that the level of noise can lead to permanent hearing damage.

But we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here to talk about farting through a vuvuzela and what the possible after effects might be.

Before you attempt to fart through a vuvuzela some preparation is in order. For the purest sound possible, I’d recommend eating a healthy dose of beans or any other gaseous fruit or vegetable the night before. I’d wash that down with a couple of dozen cheap beers that are on tap at your local watering hole and then avoid any kind of exercise for the next eight to ten hours.

I do most of my farting early in the morning just after I wake up so if I was to try and do this it’d probably be somewhere between 7:00 and 9:00 AM to maximize the effect. Since each of us is different I’d vary my schedule accordingly based on the individual dietary and bathroom habits unique to each of us.

When you feel yourself just about getting ready to blow, insert the skinny end of the vuvuzela either in or near your rectum and let it rip. (Physicians note: If you’re attempting to do this naked, never insert the wide end of the vuvuzela into your anal cavity.) Depending on the duration of your fart, the vuvuzela will either create the low monotonous sound I mentioned earlier that if done correctly will sound like a middle C and have your neighbors come running to see what the commotion is about or, a sharp high-pitched toot that will hardly go noticed.

I really don’t want to speculate what the aromatic after effects might be after you’ve successfully farted through a vuvuzela but if they’re anything like the sound effects, I’d recommend a shitload of air freshener.

For an English speaking video of a man actually farthing through a vuvuzela, you can to take a look here.

This purportedly is the Spanish speaking version but as far as I can tell, there is no vuvuzela in plain view so I remain a bit skeptical.

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