I can't blame him, she's a lovely girl, of that I am only too aware. She wasn't interested in me, fine, I could cope with that. I had stopped chasing, I was even quietly pleased that I had taken a chance, got her number and called her. It hadn't worked out but the world hadn't ended. I felt like I'd moved on.


He went out at the weekend, mentioned in passing that they had met up in a club. I felt a twinge at the time, paranoia or something I subconsciously picked up from him, I don't know which. I was fine with her not wanting me, I wasn't confident that would be the case if she started seeing my housemate and friend.


Midweek he didn't come home, I wondered whether he had been seeing her, tested how it would feel. I wasn't happy but rationalising it, they were both single, there was nothing between us but my unrequited affections, surely if I thought about it was ok, wasn't it?


He told me today, and as it turns out, it wasn't ok. I don't resent either of them but I feel shit. Thoughts flash though my head, 'what's wrong with me?', 'my friends know I liked her and she chose him', 'I risked a little vulnerability and got hurt again'.


Experience seems to tell me not to try, if you don't let your guard down you don't get hurt. That is the lesson I learned throughout my youth, it's been hard to let the shield down, I have hurt people I have cared about because of it. I have made progress in recent years but it still lurks close below the surface.


The problem is I don't want to spend my life alone, I need to take chances, to risk pain. It will pass and next time be less intense. My enemy, in the pursuit of happiness is the sterility of self-containment, it is a false haven, containing it's own melancholy. I guess I wish them well, and in doing so a weight lifts.

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