The scene opens with an Andarian face grinning at the camera. It is clear that he is moving while holding the recording device.
"Greetings, wonderful viewers! It is I, Technician X'melborp aboard the Prosperity, and this is another Earth Pranks with Human Greg! For those of you just joining us, this is the series wherein I target Human Greg with Earth-style practical jokes jokes called "Pranks". These pranks are the result of my own research, or submitted by my Earth-knowledgeable viewers!
Typically, these pranks have been of an inconveniencing-nature. However, there is another genre of prank I have yet to try with Human Greg; pranks that are intended to frighten. Do not fret, wondrous viewers! Though he may be frightened, no harm will come to our beloved co-host Greg! This is all in good fun, and both Human Greg and my own research has determined that this style of frightening humor is very popular on Earth."
He looks up, and his grin grows wider. "It begins!"
The camera shifts so it is facing ahead. In view is a white-walled hallway of the Prosperity. The camera turns into one of the portal doors nearby. In this new room are short cubicles, the kind that allow the occupants to see their neighbors. At one of the cubicles, with his back to the camera, is a human male.
X'melborp, unstealthily, walks behind the man and dangles the rubber spider behind his head.
"Human Greg!" says X'melborp, barely able to stifle his laughter. "Turn around!"
There is a second of silence before the human does so.
"Ahh," says Greg, clearly not afraid. "A spider!"
X'melborp gives the spider a shake. "It is designed to look like an Earth predator, but it is not. It is made of synthetic materials and incapable of autonomous actions!"
"Yes," says Greg.
"Is it not a funny joke?"
"Very funny," says Greg.
"Were you frightened?" says X'melborp. "I understand that is part of the process."
Greg smiles. "It was very scary, yes."
"Success!" X'melborp says. The camera whirls until X'melborp's face takes up the shot. To the camera, he says "There you have it! Another Earth-style prank with my companion Human Greg!"
"Are you gonna post this one too?" says Greg. He sounds equal parts amused and tired.
"Of course!" says X'melborp. He lifts the camera so Greg is in the shot behind him, selfie-style. "This is important information for continuing Andarian-Human relations! Our interactions need to be documented for anthropological research!"
"And your viewer count?" says Greg slyly.
"I am pleased that so many across the galaxies are taking anthropological interest, yes."
"Human Greg, are you being sarcastic?
The camera zooms in, and Greg's face becomes the focus of the shot. Though he is smiling, there are dark circles under his eyes. He puts his hands up.
"Dude. Not in my face."
"Apologies." The camera backs up a few respectable inches. "Consider, Human Greg! You are the first human many many species across the universe will ever see! Depending on the speed of Humanity's Uplifting, you might be the only Human some viewers will see! You are a representative of your people and a representative of the Andarians who are Uplifting you! Isn't it grand?"
"Yes," says Greg. "But I also have TPS reports to file, so. . ."
X'melborp comes back into view. He shakes his head sadly. "Human Greg is very pragmatic," he says. "This is of course a wonderful quality to have, but it means he sometimes demonstrates a lack of wonderment for grander ideals."
X'melborp starts walking back towards his workstation. "So that has been this week's Pranks With Human Greg. If you would like to see other videos featuring Human Greg, I recommend the playlists, "Pranks with Human Greg," "Human Greg Eats Food," "Human Greg Falls Asleep in Strange Places," and "Ask a Human: Human Greg Answers." I have another Falls Asleep video I'll be uploading this Mid-Cycle Bell. It's from yesterday and features Human Greg falling asleep in the commissary. To everyone who submit questions for Greg Answers, I'll be sure to try and include as many as I can in the next video. Goodbye, wondrous viewers, until next time!"
The screen goes black.
* * * * *
The scene opens with X'melborp sitting at a desk in his living quarters. Based on the angle, the camera in resting on the desk in front of him. He has a box the size of a shoebox resting beside him. Two of his arms are crossed in front of him, one is hanging down by his side, and one has a hand on top of the box.
"Hello wondrous viewers! I realize that you may be surprised to see another prank video uploaded so quickly when we have only just completed one. Well, the answer is simple; I have realized why my previous attempt at this prank was not as successful as I had originally envisioned. In fact, after consulting with several commenters more familiar with humans than I, I have the distinct impression Human Greg may have been humoring me!
Take note, fellow Non-Earthen colleagues! Sometimes humans will tell falsehoods in order to spare the feelings of others. This is due to their incredibly social natures! In a species where social connections are so important, maintaining positive connections at the cost of dishonestly is considered to be not only acceptable, but normal!
Anyway, as I was saying, the reason I believe the prank failed was because of the prop itself. While I thought it was a good likeness, viewers who have been to Earth suggest that once you have seen a real spider, facsimiles cannot compare! So, for this next prank..."
X'melborp backs up and moves the box to the center of the frame. He opens it and carefully shows the contents to the camera.
It is a large black tarantula.
"This fellow was ordered specially from Earth. It is called a "tyrant-yula," the tyrannical monarch of arachnids! Note the fangs at its front!
The camera zooms in on the spider's fangs.
"Do not be afraid, magnanimous viewers! Despite its fearsome appearance, this one is actually harmless. I promised my Earth Contact that we would be very gentle with this fellow, who I have named Quark. Now, any human watchers I have might be inclined to think poorly of this fellow. Do not misjudge him! He has spent the majority of his life under the soil of your Earth and has come up only to mate-- not unlike the Tanvorians of Drangz, Sector 00839, now that I think of it. There are no female spiders in space, however, and so this stalwart explorer will be helping me truly prank Human Greg. He is the most noble of tyrant-yulas!"
He closes the box gently and picks it up with two hands. The other two take the camera.
"Come, my viewers! We shall find Human Greg and prank him in the Earthly manner!"
The next few minutes are of X'melborp walking around the Prosperity, greeting coworker's and asking if they've seen Human Greg.
Eventually he finds Greg in one of the lobby hubs. The room is vast, with the walls and part of the ceiling featuring
windows that show the vast expansion of space outside the ship. The floor where X'melborp is is above the pavilion below, and there are rows and rows of escalators leading from the lower floor to the floors above. Human Greg is on his way up, looking down at his tablet device.
X'melborp hurries towards him and meets him just as he's reaching the top.
"Human Greg!" X'melborp says, sticking his hand into the box. "I have another surprise for you!"
X'melborp holds Quark out into Greg's face just as he looks up. His eyes widen and his face immediately contorts into fear and disgust.
Greg screams and stumbles backwards. The camera perfectly captures the look of fear and surprise as he loses footing and falls backwards down the escalator.
"Greg!" screams X'melborp. He runs towards the edge of the escalator, dropping the box with Quark in it on the floor.
On screen, Greg tumbles down, occasionally moved up by the oncoming steps, only to fall further down. In seconds, he's fallen to the bottom and rolls away from the steps. The floor where he landed is smeared with red blood.
X'melborp runs down the stairs. Already, a group of crew mates are gathering around Human Greg. Several surround him, checking his vitals. Many others are standing by, shocked. Someone has called the medical operators and announces that they'll be there soon.
As soon as he is at the bottom, X'melborp drops the camera, and the last image before the screen goes black is of X'melborp pushing people out of the way so he can crouch by Greg's side.