Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on in the Catholic Church? I recently read that Pope Benedict XVI has got himself a Twitter feed. If you ask me, that’s a pretty bold leap into the year 2000. Come to think of it, that puts them ahead of the curve when it comes to yours truly. I don’t even have a Twitter feed.

To top it off and to further embrace modern technology, I see where they’ve also set up a telephone hotline just in case you want exorcise that demon inside of you.

I can just hear the sound of a soothing voice on the other end.

”Hello, you have reached the Catholic Church’s Demonic Possession Hotline. Due to heavy call volume we are unable to take your call at this time. Please select from the following options and leave your contact information and a representative will get back to you shortly. We apologize in advance for any inconvenience this might cause. If you feel like this is an emergency please invoke the power of prayer until we contact you directly.”

  • ”Please press one for standard demonic possession.”
  • ”Please press two if you are experiencing visions from Hell.
  • ”Please press three if you are speaking in tongues.”
  • ”Please press four if have had a recent aversion to holy water.”
  • "Please press five if the room you’re currently in has experienced a sudden massive drop in temperature and the furniture is being strewn about for no apparent reason."
  • "Please press six if you are continuously projectile vomiting thick green fluids and floating above your bed."
  • "Please press seven if you find yourself repeating the phrase “Your mother sucks cocks in hell, you faithless swine” to random strangers and passersby."
  • "Please press eight if looking at religious objects and icons sends you in to a blasphemous rage and blood is dripping from your eyes."
  • "Please press nine if you are experiencing any combination of the symptoms previously described in options one through eight."
  • "For all other requests, please press zero and a representative will be with you shortly. We thank you for your patience and look forward to speaking to you soon."
  • And then it cuts away to the sound of hymns being sung by The Nine Choirs of Angels and you’re placed on hold for what seems like eternity.

    With that bit of sarcasm out of the way, the story apparently is true. The Church has established an “Exorcism Hotline” in Milan, Italy. It seems like Milan has recently become a hotbed (no pun intended) for Satan and his minions to do their bidding on some unlucky souls. The hours of operation are afternoons Monday through Friday (I guess that just like the rest of us, Satan likes his evenings and weekends off). Once the caller gets through, they will be referred to a priest who will hear the details of the case. If the description is severe enough a specially trained priest will be dispatched to conduct an exorcism.

    Business sure looks like it’s picking up. According to the article I read one priest has been seeing up to 120 people per day and the size of the “exorcist on call” staff has doubled from six to twelve.

    I can’t seem to find the actual phone number of the hotline anywhere so I tried calling 1-666-666-HELP but that turned out to be a non working number so the rest of you are on your own.

    In the meantime, may God have mercy on your soul.


    Side note: Oh those pesky demons...

    A user who wishes to remain anonymous was also kind enough to point out that the business of exorcism is also booming in Poland. In fact, there's a trade magazine dedicated to the entire subject.

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