i cried like i was going to lose my best friend.

i had a friend and didn't know what her name was.

it was that time when we move on. HS. i met her, a new student, beautiful and radiant. almost like a goddess - and weak that i am, like a moth to a burning source - i fell.

fell into protecting her, loving her, defending her.

and what's this she's telling me?

"i'm leavinq you," she softly says at the end of a year, "for them."
"why?" i ask.
"because they're beautiful like me," more softly this time, as if she was afraid that her words would break me.
"i don't understand why. i could be beautiful too. why can't we be together even while you are with them?" (but secretly i knew that this could never be.)

softly, she explains.
she takes me to the age of toys,
we end up in a preschool classroom -
she sits, takes colored dough into her hands (is it Play-doh or homemade by the teacher? i remember wondering.), and explains softly. "this is why we cannot be," she patienty said.

i look on, trying (but not succeeding) to understand. i could not forget that at this moment, there was a nagging feeling that if she goes, she would be gone for a few lifetimes. lost without me, not knowing who she really was or what she could be.

and it was when Marc came to ask Teacher Concep if she new a goodbye song about friends.
she readily sang a nursery tune - and i almost missed her when i got a glimpse of her, looking exactly the way she looked when she sang songs for Vincent, Clarisse.
whatever the tune was has escaped me, but everyone knew, everyone sang along - including myself.

in the distance, i saw through my tears, Gari asking about somethinq totally remote from the situation.

I dreamt that I could see a figure looking through my bedroom window. It seemed he could see through the blinds. Jenn was there. She noticed him. It appeared he was standing in his own room when that window should look outside. It was very frightening. I awoke gasping for breath. He looked very evil with a goatee and green eyes. He was the penultimate evil.

Later this same night, I dreamt I was choking and kept coughing up enormous amounts of thick almost solid green mucus.

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