Dream Log: July 2, 2002

Me and my girlfriend Susanna were in my room. She took a t-shirt which was mine. I noted that it's too big for her and it's mine (I thought she didn't notice because she had a yellow shirt too but brighter). She insisted it was hers but I pointed that there's a Benetton brand logo on the chest. She agreed but instead of changing shirts she just put a black t-shirt under the yellow one. Because I propaply looked bit of bemused she gave me her yellow shirt. I moarned that I have to wash it first (the t-shirt wasn't even dirty). Tough luck.

At the next moment I was with a friend (which I don't really know). We were negotiationg about money. I was really short of it but he wasn't wealthy either. Anyway, we agreed that he could fuck my girlfriend and pay for that. Susanna was sitting about ten meters away from us and she didn't hear what we were talking about but when I looked at her I knew that she had an idea of it anyway. She said nothing but I knew that she would do it. It felt like we had talked about this before and in the face of poverty there was no way out but. She had a martyr-like expression on her face, having a pitiful smile. Oh god, there was no way I could let her do it, against her will. I decided that we will definitely figure something else!

Tricia, my ex-girlfriend, is at this party. The setting seems dark and dismal, but other than that, i remember no details about where i was. We are talking, and neither of us is happy.

Her hair is up and she is wearing a black zip-up jacket. She is drinking something through a straw. I don't know what is in the cup.

At some point, we become alone. Or maybe not alone, just private. I ask her how she is and if she's met anyone. She says no. The conversation continues. I notice a hicky on her neck that is so bruised it's almost green. I then notice more of these hicky-bruises on her chest. I ask her what they are. She shrugs off the question. I prod, and she tells me she hasn't met one person, but she is in fact dating several different guys now; and the one named "Alex" was in fact the hickey-giver.

. . .

I woke up sad today because of this dream. I've always felt that when a person who's left your life starts appearing in your dreams, it is the signal the mind has let go of that individual. and feeling that love flicker out is, well, sad.