I was at a party with some old friends from school, in a house in the middle of the country. Indoors it was only lit with candles, and we were talking in low voices over a large dark wooden table. Suddenly another group of people that we knew arrived, some of whom I hadn't seen since we graduated 8 years ago. They had brought enough acid for everyone at the party, but people were worried that it was contaminated.

Lindsay and I left the party and flew to England on Ryanair, to go meet my friend Jake. When we arrived there I realized I hadn't brought anything with me - no passport, money, luggage, anything. I didn't even know when our return flight was. We went to an Internet cafe to try and call him, but at first I couldn't remember his number, and then when I did, the phone stopped working. All I could hear at the other end, no matter how many times I hung up and dialled again, was the heavy breathing of a man and woman having sex.

I tried logging into my email account to send him a message, and a strange login box popped up, and I typed my username and password. Nothing happened. Then when I logged into Everything, I discovered that someone had used my username and password to post ascii porn writeups using my account. Not only that, but one of them, a menage of several different bodies and positions, had been C!d by Jet-Poop, along with a message saying "This is great!".

I am standing at the focus of an amphitheater, in which the packed audience consists of at least one example of every higher mammal I can think of. I am the focus of their relentless attention. I remember that I am supposed to be saying something, but the sight of these creatures staring back at me causes me to loose concentration. How did I get here and why are these animals so intent in their contemplation?

Long ago I had fought and lost an insignificant court case in a small claims court. Not wishing to accept defeat I decided to appeal the magistrate's ruling. In a state of bravado I appointed a solicitor who would be willing to take my case to a higher court.

My appeal did not go well, Having lost in a local court, my obvious next action was to appeal once again, but this time in a county court. I lost that case too. Next my solicitor suggested that I take the case to the crown court where I was again defeated. Next I took my case to the Supreme court where as before, victory eluded me.

The highest court in England is the House of Lords, where my defence was quickly rejected. I had no recourse but to take my case to the European Court and then after yet another loss I put my case before the World Court where the worlds most experienced judges considered my case and once more found me unworthy. At this point, most people would simply give up and attempted to get on with their lives, after all the original issue was rather trivial – nonetheless my solicitor urged me to continue: “It's the principle that counts”, he said.

There is only one court on Earth who's power is superior to the World Court: The inter-mammalian court where each species submits their finest legal minds in judgment of their fellow creature. The jury includes of a hippo, raccoon and a monkey. The judge is a silverback gorilla.

My lawyer informs me that if I loose this case, I need only to wait for first contact with an alien species before I can appeal once more to the ultimate power – the Interplanetary Court.

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