Some disturbing dreams last night...

  • I decide to cut off my ears. I have some practical purpose for cutting them off - I think they are interfering with my hair, and I think they look ugly. In any case, I cut them off using a kitchen knife. It only stings slightly and there is no blood. They came off like silly putty. I put them on a plate. I think that this is the second time I have cut them off and they will grow back. After I cut them off I realize I am mistaken and that they are not going to grow back. I get scared about my future life with no ears.
  • I am at a cottage, by a lake. I believe I am on some sort of trip with my boyfriend. His ex-girlfriend is there. (I have never actually met any of his ex-girlfriends, so she is an invention of my psyche.) She is very tall and skinny, close to six feet. She is also extremely muscular, and smokes. She has dark hair and glasses. She tells my boyfriend how she thinks I'm stupid right in front of me. I also know that she thinks I'm weak.

I didn't wake up happy this morning...

I dreamt about my roommate's three fish. She's had the tank in the kitchen so I could feed them while she was on vacation a month ago, and has yet to move it out. The water was dirty so I decided to clean it out. I filled a small goldfish bowl with water (the round kind you throw ping-pong balls into at carnivals) and moved them into it. They swam around frantically, so I sprinkled some fish food into the bowl, also dropping in a chunk of raw fish.

The food didn't calm them any, and soon I began to panic thinking that they're gonna run out of oxygen since it's such a small bowl. I put some dark cheesecloth-type material over the bowl thinking that darkness would calm their pace, and I take out two more bowls. One I leave on the side, and the other I start filling up at the sink.

As I'm adjusting the water temperature, one of the fish jumps out of the bowl, covered in the cheesecloth, and lands in the other bowl. I notice that the raw fish is gone, and that as it lands in the other bowl, it eats the cheesecloth in one gulp. It's now overstuffed, but it's also sitting in an empty bowl and can't breathe so it starts flip-flopping frantically. I drop it into the bowl that I'm in the process of filling up since I know it needs to breathe, even though the temperature isn't quite right yet and the water is still pouring in. After I turn the water off, I realize the fish has turned into a mini-whale. It's still the same size as an overinflated baby goldfish, but it's now identical to a whale. I made a guess that it was because it ate the raw fish and had to breathe air. I shrug, and transfer the other two fish to the new bowl. A mysterious friend points out to me that one of the fish didn't make it. Looking in the bowl I now see one fish floating on the surface, and the mini-whale and the remaining normal fish swimming its laps.

When I wake up and check, there's luckily just three stupid fish staring at me through clouded water. I am *so* not cleaning out that tank.

On February 25th, 2001, I had the best dream I ever had.
The muse came in the night, and left me with a fully-formed, standalone joke, the first one I'd ever created.
I immediately woke my wife and told her the joke, and she couldn't believe how bad it was-others I've told it to tell me that it is definitely the worst joke they've ever heard- nevertheless, I am still proud of it, probably in the same way that all parents unconditionally love their kids. A year has passed, and this joke can now be revealed:

So,anyway- Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt get married. They decide to stay in a log-cabin in the hills to get away from the crowds, and get some fishing in at the same time.
On arriving, Brad surprises Jennifer by pulling out a brunette wig; her blonde tresses are too well known, he explains, and the wig will help to keep them incognito.

They grab their fishing gear and hit the river- no sooner have they cast their lines when up screeches a 4x4; a grim faced State Trooper emerges,addresses Brad, and lets them know that there's an escaped maniac on the loose. He's already dismembered one unlucky camper further upriver; should they pull any pieces from the water, he'd sure be obliged if they'd keep them until he returns.

Brad casts out; no sooner has the hook hit the water than he feels a tug- reeling in, they are shocked to find a human ear on the end of the line- but heeding what the Trooper said, they keep the ear for his perusal.

It's Jen's turn to cast out- and sure enough, she's hardly done so when the line goes under- reeling in, she and Brad are amazed to see a human finger dangling off the end- however, they overcome their squeamishness enough to set the finger aside for the Trooper to use as evidence.

Some time passes; their store of dismembered body parts has grown, when they hear the screech of tires behind them- it's their friend the State Trooper, returned to check on them. He's pleased to see they've collected so many bits- it'll help to identify the unlucky victim of the maniac, he explains.

Having a strong stomach, he roots through their collection absent-mindedly; catching sight of Jennifer, he grins, winks and asks cheekily:

"Hey, little lady- you caught any cocks?"

At this, Brad whirls on him in a flash, anger rising, and says:

"No, you idiot, it's Jennifer Aniston in a brunette wig!!".

There...I feel...better now...

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