I had a dream about my ex-girlfriend last night. again.
We have been broken up for more than 6 months now, but i can't stop thinking about her. It was the best/deepest relationship i had ever been in, even more than the one that i lived with for over a year, and we were only together for 6 months. Very strange, maybe i need some prozac or something.
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  • her hair in front of her face, she wanted it there.
  • the horrible spiders that would not be killed, thousands of them, you had three tries to get the combination right and if you were wrong all three times, a spider came crawling out of the hole and would sting snd sting you until you were dead. They were lurking everywhere. Long black legs and crispy brown bodies. They squealed a high-pitched whine and made your eyes hurt. I tried to burn them when I found a flowerpot full but they surged up into the air (what? they can fly?) and swooped toward my face
This is not, technically, a dream, but a hypnagogic hallucination which I induced. Of course, due to the nature of hypnagogic hallucinations, it was practically a dream except that I was conscious to enjoy it thoroughly.

I was at my parents' house in Albuquerque. It was the dead of winter, and we were experiencing a flash blizzard so intense that even at noon it was dark outside. The power went out, and we were unprepared for this situation, so we had no candles or flashlights with batteries. My mom decided to be a hero and go to the store in her trusty Saab, but she couldn't even get out of the driveway - at least, not technically; the wind was so bad that her car was immediately pushed into the lawn. I went back into my room to ponder things.

In my room, it was bright and warm, and I had power, so I decided to get online, specifically to browse Slashdot while doing my usual MUCKing as a friendly 'morphic grue. Out of the blue, someone pages me, not only linking me (Grue) with my player (Magenta) based on a random comment I had just posted to Slashdot, but also with me in Real Life, my family, my name, my home address... it was very accusatory, and so, of course, I was stand-offish about it.

And then, in real life I was Grue, a living, tangible shadow incarnate, in the form of a sort of demonic hyena (her usual form). I told the accuser to get bent, that I was Grue, and not the person he claimed I was, and then I disconnected from FurryMUCK. I crawled into my safe, warm bed, and then the accoster, a typical YARF, was also in my room, trying to tug the sheets off of my bed to expose me. I reached out and grabbed him, dug my claws into his wrist and twisted his arm, but he still didn't back off, wouldn't give way...

I quite angry, but fortunately my alarm clock began to go off, which made it easy for me to break the hallucination, though I was quite annoyed to be snapped back into reality where I'm not Grue.

We've gotta get outta here, find two of the hottest girls we can that'll climb on top of us and do whatever we want.

...uh, Cameron, what about your girlfriend?

Eh, fuck her.

It was one of those dreams where you almost feel ashamed for dreaming it once you wake up and realize it wasn't real at all. I keep wondering what would make me dream this about him. Such a cruel dream, it started by jumping straight into him telling me how he was completely bored with me, wasn't in love with me anymore, various other of my old and forgotten worries. It just kept building up, he wouldn't discuss it with me at all, he didn't want to break up, just wanted nothing to do with me for awhile. Kept passing by each other all day and the only response I'd get to my attempts to start conversation was the rolling of his eyes. Right up until I overheard him and his best friend having that conversation. A numb, crushing feeling came over me and I remember just sitting down in the grass with my head in my hands.

What I can't understand is why I'd have this dream now...now, when everything's been going so well for so long, now when we've made it for almost a year, now when I'm finally starting to build back up my confidence, now when I feel like I'm finally stable. It's disturbing.

But when I woke up this morning, with the sun on my face and his arms around me I felt so guilty for dreaming that...

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