I was in a large oriental mansion where my apartment building in New York should have been. It was a party, and I remember having to go somewhere with a sense of urgency. My mother told me to follow her, and she climed down into a wooden crawlspace passage that ran underneath the pavement outside. I started to go down, and I looked in the passage. There were three ways to go - the middle, or two on each side. I told someone that the middle passage was too small, and they told me to take the side passage. So I went in, and started crawling.
I was being chased by some Chinese dude around the same mansion. It wasn't a party anymore. This guy was the leader of something, and he was pissed off at me. I ran, kicking people's asses along the way.
For some strange reason, I stopped and hid somewhere, and masturbated into a ziplock bag. Once I was finished, I closed the ziplock bag, folded it up, put it in my pocket, and resumed my escape.
The Chinese guy finally caught up to me, and I had no choice but to fight him. He tried to do a move with his leg, but I caught him and twisted his leg around. His bone broke, and protruded through his skin. Yikes. He kneeled over in pain, and I held his arm in such a way that if I turn it a certain way, he hurts a lot more. He didn't give up. I don't remember how I killed him, but I think I did.
Later, I was in the mansion ready to kick the new leader's ass, and he was being civil to me. I remember saying "It's easier to be friends than enemies." and we went back to having a nice time. (Wow, why can't I be that wise in real life? Remember, folks. If you use that quote, attribute it to my brain.)
I had a girlfriend. (I should have known it was a dream right there.) For all intents and purposes, she was Neve Campbell. She looked like her and sounded like her.
She was in the parking lot working on what seemed to be art homework. She was locked out of her house. I went up to the door, and sure enough, it was locked. There were a group of people who came by, and neither I or Neve knew who they were, but they somehow belonged there. They were also pissed the door was locked, so they decided to go look for a key. Out of the group of like 5 or 6 people, all I remember clearly is the guy who was a real asshole.
Neve was sitting on a car bumper working on her stuff, and that car was sitting right next to my Mom's minivan. She left her lights on, and I thought the driver-side door was locked, but it wasn't. So I shut the lights off. Then I went with the group of people to find a key.
We were all piled in a regular van or something, and we were all following the asshole. He was driving one of those new-car transport trucks, and he was steering from the top front-most car. He rounded a sharp turn, and the top car fell off. I said "Welp, see? I told you." We stopped and got out, and he was lying out covered in blood. I cleaned the blood off the clean parts of his face, and told him to relax, and that the ambulance was on the way. I think I remember telling someone to call 911. I also kept pressure on an open wound both on the middle of his forehead, and the side of his face.
Noder's Note: The rest of the night was a blur, but this was one of the longest dream sets I've remembered in my entire life. Wow.