The emotional disaster I suffered recently now seems like a distant memory.
My doctors have come up with a new drug combination that is necessary, for now;
and it's working marvelously. I feel like my old self — but more important, I
feel in control. Being in control is something that I'm quite used to. In
business, it's my job. Being in control; being the one others come to for advice
and guidance; feeds my ego (which at times is too large). My ego's gotten a
downsizing. Nothing's more humbling than being told "you're a danger to yourself
and we're locking you up until we don't think so." So much for control.
When I lost control and felt so deeply hopeless and depressed I didn't even
realize I was a different person. A "crazy" person. Those who treated me in hospital re-assured me
that if I'm careful and take the correct steps to be mindful at all times that I
have a disease — one that is life-threatening although it's not one that
many
people think is — I'll be alright.
The stigma of mental illness (bipolar disorder in my case) is something
that bothers me immensely. I wanna be "normal." Borgo's magnificent writeup, inspired by the lovely and brilliant Borgette, Normal is just a setting on a
Washing Machine helps me a lot. I re-read it once in awhile.
My deep appreciation and thanks for all the messages of concern. Rest assured
that I'm doing well and taking care not to burn the candle at both ends.
Christmas came and went. I worked. I volunteered at the Soup Kitchen for a
few hours (that made me very, very grateful for the blessings that God — Buddha
in my case — has given me).
By 4:30 the Christmas dinner that I cooked was spread out in our
bar. I was surprised how many folks were either alone for Christmas or just
spending the day with a significant other. It was a joyous time and although
sober for the holiday, I joined in the drunken caroling, merriment (and a little
Christmas mayhem). They weren't ready to see a 5'6" 225-pound elf (who knows,
perhaps the folks who'd had a little too much thought it was the Christmas
version of the "seeing Pink Elephants" effect). Those who over-imbibed were
driven home by me or one of the staff and left their cars in the lot. So
Christmas was safe, too.
Now my sights are set on New Year's Eve. Sadly, the reservation book is not
nearly as burgeoning with names as it has been in the past. It's a very
competitive market up here - and although our cover charge ($18) is among the
lowest around, response is well below what I'd expected. I'd hazard a guess that
my wife's going to near kill me for the expenditures I've committed to for
entertainment. And the champagne, hats, noisemakers and decorations were quite
costly, too. However, if the entirety of the crowd we get spends money eating
and drinking, I think we'll do okay.
At the urging of my grief counselor, I've collected many of my
father's writings and letters together and am going to node them. I wonder if Hank_Lewis
is the first non-published dead writer to appear in the cyber-pages of E2.
Difficult is a mild word to use when describing the choice of what, out of
thousands of pages, I should type first. Suffice it to say that I've a lot of
work in front of me. But joyous work, this. It's like listening to dad again and
I thoroughly enjoy it.
Finally, my Linux project is also in full swing (kinda). I've been reading
all the websites I can about it; and still don't have any of the three machines
I've committed to convert working. At all. I'm chomping at the bit to breathe
new life into these older computers. I'll keep going, though, no matter how much
my wife complains about my sitting patiently in front of a blank screen watching
the disk images load, only to spew obscenities when the machine refuses to
cooperate.
One of my aims is to get the knack of Linux programming down well enough to
load a version with a GUI into machines that are discarded by local companies
and give them to the after-school youth center in Hartford, for the use of the
kids who've chosen that humble but entertaining place to spend their time doing
homework, playing (and, sadly, for many of them, avoiding the chaos at home). It
sure beats selling drugs on street corners.
By now I'd hazard a guess you're thinking that I've got too much on my plate.
Yes! But with so much, and counseling, going on, I hope to squeeze depression
out of my psyche.
Love,
shaogo