I've been drifting through the more depressing waves of e2, and having gone through several threads about crying (and the lack of ability to do so), it's come to me that I have somehow degressed (is that a word? doesn't matter) below that.
Growing up the way I did, living the way I am.. I simply can't break down anymore. I had some painful moments back in school (who didn't?), and I remember bawling into my pillow, muffling the sounds from the thin walls of my small home. Bawling, over trifles.
But gradually I built a composure, a frozen mask of apathy to hide behind. I could not be weak in public - as a child I had had problems with breaking down too easily. Scolded by an adult of any sort (parent, teacher, relative) caused me to burst into tears. I became obedient and quiet and disturbed no one for fear that I should be forced to lose control again. As I grew older I learned to circumvent the rules in my own subtle fashion, and to hold myself together on the few occasions I was caught doing something I shouldn't have been.
My later school years and the commonplace teenage hormonal surges put an end to this, somehow. After one particularly shattered relationship I spent the night in front of a mirror, challenging myself to never cry, to be strong, to replace my upset with rage - something I thought I could deal with.
Well, some years down the road and I have realized the error of my ways. You need to cry, sometimes. To break down so utterly that you wail and bawl and choke and turn all red and puffy and use whole boxes of Kleenex and have to wring out your pillow before you can sleep on it.
Something that I no longer do.
My tears have been replaced by an aching, burning, almost violent need, a need for action, a need for something, anything, to fill the void.
But I still do not live alone - I cannot scream or punch holes in my wall, lest I disturb my housemates. I am not strong; I dare not truly fight anyone, as I would probably lose rather quickly and would then have to add injuries and more frustration on top of everything else.
I try to drown this feeling in many ways - friends who know my dilemma recommend sex. However, I haven't found this to be very effective; my problem? Or my lover's? I'm not sure how to ask, much less what I am asking for.
Violence is out, really. Who can I fight? Those of my friends who would take me seriously and fight.. one is fairly deep into martial arts and would down me in a second, and the other moved too far away to be an option.
Some nights I simply want to tear out my hair in frustration, having so much raging and angry energy and nothing to do with it. I curl into my bed on these nights, soundless and sleepless, hugging a random object to my stomach - a rediscovered plush toy, a pillow, a blanket. Anything to push against the aching void in my belly.
I know why "crazy people" twitch; why they jerk their heads away from nothing, why they speak or sing spontaneously to no one, why they feel the need to run or dance or scratch their ears..
They do it to escape their own thoughts, their own pent-up voices raging unchecked in their minds.
How do you escape something that is inside of you?