Yesterday was my last day of the outpatient program. I miss it already. Every day we filled out goal sheets, we did a less intense version when I was inpatient, some complained about the sheets, however I found them helpful so I'm thinking about ways to keep those in place now that I'm back at home. I went to bed around 8:30 last night and woke up at 1:51. I stayed up for a few hours, the recommendation is that you try and lay in bed for fifteen minutes before you get up again. I found myself slipping back into some old habits and patterns which was understandable if disappointing. My car needs about $2000 worth of work, I can put off some, but not all of it.
I'm considering getting a roommate. I know a woman I could ask, I have some reservations about the idea in general. I don't know her real well, but what I know I mostly like and feel that we could get along well. She has some food issues so that would work well and she's neat and tidy. She's married to someone who sounds very much like my ex so I understand that too. She doesn't make a lot of money, I believe she would contribute to household chores and expenses, but I have to be realistic about what she could afford to pay me. On one hand having someone around would defray expenses, help alleviate loneliness, and bring in a bit of extra money. On the other having a roommate is a stress of its own and everyone comes with their own issues.
Monday night I signed up for the dental assisting program. I told my sister last night and she was surprisingly supportive. My other sister was less so, in group we learned about safe sharing. I don't owe other people things like explanations so going forward I'm going to be more selective about what I share with various people in my life. Christmas is bringing back memories of the past, but this Christmas doesn't have to echo those that carry negative associations. It's making me sad that present money is going to my car, but that's the reality of the situation and hopefully my girls will understand. Probably the biggest gift for them that I doubt they will appreciate is having a healthier mother.
Yesterday one of the last topics we talked about was chronic shame. What I liked about this handout was it went through possible causes of shame and how to restructure thoughts. Some of them were: constricted range of emotions, conflict about needs, approval seeking, black and white thinking, and two that really hit home for me were being overly responsible and permeable boundaries. We talked about how parents, school, religion, sports, other adults, and influential people like relatives, coaches, teachers, and peers can contribute to feelings of shame that are unhealthy. I'm sad I'll be missing the rest of that discussion, but it is lovely to have a quiet day to myself at home despite not having my car.
My mom is going shopping after my daughter's Christmas program. I'm trying to decide if I want to go with her. On one hand I want to try and spend some time with her, I made a list of Christmas presents I wanted, in the past I've told her I didn't want anything. I could use money, that would be the smart thing to ask for, and maybe I'll end up doing that. Another thing I could do is get one or two of the smaller low budget items on my list and get the rest of what she would have spent in cash. Lots of decisions to be made, but I feel good about them and my ability to take control of my future, acknowledge the past without letting it bring me down or give me a false sense of low self worth. I'm still pretty tired today so I'll have to see how I'm feeling when she calls. My mom might be too much for me today.