So I had coffee with my girlfriend this afternoon, and she seemed fine, although she said that she feels 'sad' in the mornings sometime since she feels theres nothing to do, except going to work at the RSL club (in the food court).
I thought thats what life was mostly about, sleep, and work..
Later she sends me a message, about how her friends weren't responding to her messages and how much it annoys her. Don't know what the message was, or why they didn't respond (I suggested that they may not get her messages straight away), but I have a suspicion that her message was "Why was I not invited on the booze camping weekend that happened a few weeks ago" and the unspoken response was "Because you are on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants that make you an aggressive, paranoid bitch when you mix them with alcohol, something that you've been specifically told that could fuck up your brain completely and permanently." All of which is true.
A couple of hours later, she messages me, informing me that she's taken all of her pills, plus all the panadol she could find.
How many, I ask? 35-40 in total. Well that sounds like great party times for all involved. I call her Dad, (a Doc), he picks her up from her flat, meet them at the hospital.
It still hasn't really sunk in that she actually tried to kill herself with those pills. Oh, they also included her contraceptive pills. Anything she could find.
At the hospital, she matter-of-factly rattles off the list of meds she took, at exactly 10.15pm. They take her in, hook her up to the machines, perform their tests, different people ask her if this is the first time, does she still feel like hurting herself, is she planning to do it again (yes, no and no respectively).
I have no training or anything in psychology, so I have no idea whats going on in that head. I can't comprehend the logic patterns which lead her to these conclusions. Her Dad is a really nice bloke, but he doesn't see her when she's out drinking, how she interacts with her friends so he's only got half the picture.
I have tried explaining why she shouldn't drink (at least not to excess), but I feel like I end up sounding like a parent, and that just goes over her head as most parental advice would (she is only 20, I am 4 years older).
I am tired, tired of being suspicious of your intentions, analyzing her decisions to determine the proximity to drugs and alcohol consumption, tired of explaining why she is fragile, why she needs to realise certain things so that she can take control and live her life instead of drifting in the haze she's in..
And I'm defeated by the thought that she loves me, but I don't love her, and for 6 months I've been trying to turn around the feelings that she so utterly trashed that night. Not even telling her my true feelings and how much I cared for her could stop her self-destructive bender. Perhaps she was already too drunk to realise.
I planned a January break-up, trying to plan a way to make it all my fault, as to not destroy her already fragile self confidence (i.e. 'if he doesn't love me, then no one ever will. Goodbye cruel world..'), and to set up a safety net of friends and family to bitch about me and offer a shoulder to cry on. However I doubt that will stop the messages and midnight phone calls.
I care about her, and I want to fix her, but I feel like its draining me.
Perhaps tonight will make a difference? That'd be nice.
Why do I feel so void of feelings regarding tonight? I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I don't even feel concerned.
I just feel tired and...thats all.