I think I finally hit the wall.

Something terrible in a wonderful sort of way happened this semester. My cup-a-day coffee habit with the occasional extra cup when I really needed it / felt like it morphed into a full-fledged two-cup-a-day addiction.

I hate addictions.

And I love coffee so much that I really want to be drinking it because I want to and not because I have to.

So I decided to break it. Two weeks or so without it, and then slide back in with a clear conscience and a directive to stay away from the Commons near noon so as not to invite back my second cup habit too quickly. I could break it. Nice and easy over winter break when stress was low and sleep was high.

I forgot family stress, of course. Spending vast amounts of time with my parents for the first time in months. Dealing with them not quite accepting my recent choice to become a vegetarian. Trying to make small talk with the uncle I barely know. Trying to figure out what the hell my father is talking about when he gets on about this year’s tax return, and desperately, desperately attempting to gather the will not to tell him to go fuck off.

The first day I thought my head would explode

And then I forgot holiday stress as well. The fact that I’d left all my shopping for the three days I was home before Xmas. The struggle to find something more than meaningless materialistic crap for the best friends from high school I now barely know. The mall on Xmas eve (shudder). People on all sides and no way out of a crowded, sweaty store selling junk.

Yesterday the world was in slow motion. I couldn’t keep up. I thought my brain was expanding and pressing against my skull, trying to make my face grow bloated and fat, distorted through lack of caffeine.

It was beyond caffeine though. I felt like my old friend coffee had simply abandoned me, and left me with no one to turn to. Now what??? Now what do I do without you, my sweet, my darling, my java???

I cheesed out a bit. I drank hot chocolate to make myself warm and stave off the cravings with that tiny little touch of caffeine. I tried decaf to make my soul remember coffee’s pleasantness. But everywhere I look, something reminds me of coffee. Everywhere I go, I smell it near, lingering close in the cup I would love after a way too large Xmas meal. Every stress, every time I can’t find the words and feel myself losing my focus caffeine.

Oh coffee, I miss you so.

But today ... today wasn’t bad. I didn’t have a drop of caffeine. I was good. I barely even noticed it was gone. Oh the world’s still moving slower, but I think, I just think I can see the light coming. It’s floating on down in my dream through cream, past the sugar, to the bottom of this pot, and I’m finally over the hill.

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