I think I finally hit the wall
Something terrible in a wonderful sort of way
happened this semester.
My cup-a-day coffee
habit with the occasional extra cup when I really needed it / felt
like it morphed into a full-fledged two-cup-a-day addiction
And I love
coffee so much that I really want to be drinking it because I want to
because I have to.
So I decided to break it. Two weeks
or so without it, and then slide back in with a clear
and a directive
to stay away from the Commons near noon so as not to
invite back my second cup habit
too quickly. I could break it. Nice and easy over
winter break when stress was low and sleep
I forgot family stress, of course. Spending vast amounts of time with my parents
for the first time in months. Dealing with them not quite accepting my recent choice to
become a vegetarian. Trying to make small talk with the uncle I barely know. Trying
to figure out what the hell my father is talking about when he gets on about this year’s
tax return, and desperately, desperately attempting to gather the will not to tell him to
go fuck off.
The first day I thought my head would explode
And then I forgot holiday stress as well. The fact that I’d left all my shopping for the
three days I was home before Xmas. The struggle to find something more than
meaningless materialistic crap for the best friends from high school I now barely know.
The mall on Xmas eve (shudder). People on all sides and no way out of a
crowded, sweaty store selling junk.
Yesterday the world was in slow motion
. I couldn’t keep up. I thought my brain was
expanding and pressing against my skull
, trying to make my face grow bloated and fat,
distorted through lack of caffeine.
It was beyond caffeine though
. I felt like my old friend
coffee had simply abandoned me
, and left me with no one to turn to.
Now what??? Now what do I do without you, my sweet, my darling, my
I cheesed out a bit. I drank hot chocolate
to make myself warm and stave off the
cravings with that tiny little touch of caffeine
. I tried decaf
to make my soul
remember coffee’s pleasantness
. But everywhere I look, something reminds me of
. Everywhere I go, I smell it near, lingering close in the cup I would love
after a way too large Xmas
meal. Every stress, every time I can’t find the words and
feel myself losing my focus caffeine
Oh coffee, I miss you so.
But today ... today wasn’t bad. I didn’t have a drop of caffeine. I was good. I barely even
noticed it was gone. Oh the world’s still moving slower, but I think, I just think
can see the light coming. It’s floating on down in my dream through cream
, past the
, to the bottom of this pot
, and I’m finally over the hill