Right. I'm stuck in this one horse casino whore of a town and there's not a whole lot for me to do but drink and eat. This, of course, results in getting the people I'm staying with slightly miffed, so I decide to go out for groceries.

It's bachelor chow, mostly: Top Ramen, ingredients for cookies, booze. As I'm standing in front of the frozen foods section, specifically the ice cream cooler, I notice a presence beside me. Honestly, it'd be hard not to notice her: she was about as round as I am tall, and I'm no midget. The look in her eyes as they visually fondled the dairy products behind that glass door was glazen, like a doughnut. I studied the flavors for a while, but couldn't help notice a persistent buzzing in my left ear. It was that little cartoon devil, telling me what I had to say, what I knew I really wanted to say.

Trying to sound as cool and casual as possible, I sighed and said, "Valentine's day, huh?"

If I had a picture of the look on this woman's face, I could decimate China. She opened the freezer door, withdrew a gallon of rocky road, and stomped off.

I am a horrible person.

The thing is: she could've said the exact same thing to me with similar impact. I'm obviously a single guy (one look in my shopping basket could've told you that), I'm dressed like a disgruntled English major, and I haven't shaved in days. It probably looked like ice cream was my only ticket to romantic bliss on this, the most accursed of holidays as well.

But: I said it. She didn't.

Thusly: I am evil.

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