The Purpose Of This Document
This document will give you concise instructions on how to make mega-$$$ peddling shitty two-tone music to 9 year olds who inexplicably want breast implants.
Why You Would Want To Create and Market a Teen Pop Slut
Normal bands compete on a level playing field with other bands, playing on skillful lyrics, catchy songs, outright sexual ambiguity or even better all three. They constantly try to better themselves, trying new styles of music, improving their playing, writing more adventurous lyrics, starting from nothing and eventually making lots of money from a dedicated fan base who will seek out every single morsel of music they can from their new favourite band. Eventually, the amount of money they make will rise as word spreads and people appreciate their music more.
Teen pop sluts, however, make money based on the size of their tits. This is obviously an attractive prospect for record companies.
Step One: Find Your Teen
Finding young attractive females willing to howl into a microphone at varying pitches is luckily like shooting fish in a barrel. Thanks to shows such as Pop Idol, American Idol, Popstars, Popstars: The Rivals and many other television programmes with names involving the words "pop" or "idol", it is now every teen's dream to be a musician, even if they are completely and utterly tone deaf and their musical talent begins and ends with drumming on a table. Hold some form of talent contest, where no talent is necessary but having double-D breasts is a must.
Step Two: Release album
At this stage, you do not actually have a teen pop slut; what you have here is a fresh, clean-cut teen pop star. Your teen pop star will be slutted out by the release of her third album, and no earlier. If you slut out too early, you ruin the cycle and will have to find a new unsuspecting teen to ruin the aspirations of. You dumbfuck, you.
What you do now is release an album. Just mix something up in Dance eJay and get her to caterwaul over the top of it. All the songs must be about relationships; not sexual relationships of course, just relationships. Puppy love and all that jazz. Marketing will inexorably give her an image that butter will not melt in her mouth, while subliminally making her tits look like basketballs to anyone with a Y chromosome who may be viewing the cover.
If you follow this advice, and the video is suitable (make her prance around some public location in a tea towel. Job done) then it will take about 5 minutes for blokes to proclaim that they want to insert themselves into her. This is the first stage in marketing; the album will be hyped to kids by dads ogling her knockers, and the kids will then be hooked. If this sounds a little like cigarette marketing, you've got the central concepts all figured out already and you do not need this guide.
Step Three: Put Money In Bank
Walk down to your local NatWest, plonk down the vast sums of money you will have made selling breasts to 9 year olds and grin like the nihilistic profit-driven Cheshire cat on ecstacy that you are. Remember to send out your royalty cheques, or else the pop starlet will get uppity and leave, possibly suing you in the process. If this happens, not only will you have to start again but you will also be less trusted by teens. In short you will be up shit creek without a paddle. (Of course, the starlet must never say she is in it for the money and in all interviews should blather on about a love for music etc etc etc).
Step Four: Facelift...and new album
Your starlet now needs to be slutted up, but only slightly. Put more makeup on her and make her wear skimpier (and tighter) clothing. Then release a new album, with more of the same Dance eJay bollocks as before.
Step Five: Return to bank
It may be prudent to check your interest once in a while, make sure it's being paid in. Remember, you're a heartless corporate fuck now.
Step Six: Starlet goes bad! Oh noes!
Here you need to make your starlet do some stupid stunt which makes her look either immature, a royal twunt or just an exhibitor of really, really poor judgement. The mystical workings of the mass media will somehow spin whatever she does as her rebelling and being a bad girl, which will contribute to the final slut image. Good for profits, you see.
This step can be taken in several ways. Getting her to start smoking can be a good one. Making her drink more than a bereaved George Best could be another good idea. If you can somehow manouvere things so that she marries some washed up ginger TV producer wanker, you have attained PR zen. A coke (or even better cock) addiction helps even more. Some crazed combination of all of the above would kick ass.
Step Seven: New album, complete slut
Your job now is simple; you have to have a complete new image. Rather than projecting your starlet as some kind of Catholic butter-wouldn't-melt type, you have to make her look like some kind of dishevelled nympho with a heroin addiction. If she actually is a dishevelled nympho with a heroin addiction, all the better. Have a new musical direction for the album: if you did the previous steps correctly, you will have a vast pile of cash which you can invest in a decent DJ, who will play with his various gizmos and deliver music sounding not unlike the Super Mario Bros. theme tune. Have your slut howl about men putting her down all the time, and on the next song attempt to sing about some kind of musical bukkake. The profits from this alone should enable you to leave your slut high and dry without a career, a cashflow or indeed any talent whatsoever. Congratulations, you have successfully created and marketed a teen pop slut.
You evil fuck.