The director lazily licked an eye after yet another
hopeful began mumbling his way through Hamlet's
"To be or not to be" soliloquy. Why do they
always have to massacre Willie's work so?
"NEXT!" he roared, causing the poor skink on stage to
blanch and skitter off stage, only to be replaced by a
box turtle. Oh, for the love of... He must've come straight from some godforsaken backwater in
the Pine Barrens. Seriously, why even waste the
He composed himself and addressed the stage. "OK Buddy, what's your name? Where are you from?
Tell me why I should hire you, and quickly, we're on
a schedule here!
"Terry", the turtle replied. "My name's
Terry, and I'm originally from the Delaware River
Valley. Uh, I've done some
waterfront theater in
the Philadelphia area, and thought I'd try my luck
here. Acting on Broadway is something I've always
wanted to do, and I, uh, I think I've got what
it takes to be your leading man!
The director rotated an eye toward his assistant,
whispering "Five bucks says he does the opening
monologue from Our Town". "Deal!" the dainty
blue tree frog chirped quietly back.
He cleared his throat. "OK, so Philly's an easy
town to do community theater in, but it ain't Manhattan!
Let's see what you've got. Clock's tickin'!"
The turtle began describing a quiet morning in
Grover's Corners and the director's
assistant could barely stifle
a loud croak. "Told you", whispered the
director. "Alright, alright, that's enough,
thank you! NEXT!"
The turtle looked flummoxed, and pulled his head back
into his carapace a bit. "But they loved my
work in Camden, what was the problem?"
The director's eyes whirled and he sighed. "Look kid,
we're very busy here alright? I don't have time to
be your drama teacher. You're a box turtle for
goodness sake, go do something more suited to you,
like teaching elementary school or something. We're trying to cast
Hairspray here, not The Crucible! NEXT!!!"
"Sir, please, I don't have train fare
back home. I can't even find a job busing tables on
Staten Island. I need this job, and I know I can
The director turned bright red, and his eyes whirled in
all directions. "WILL SOMEONE GET THIS RIDICULOUS REPTILE
OFF MY STAGE? NEEEEXT!!"
The turtle implored: "Please sir, you have to give me
a chance! I'll do anything, I'm kinda round anyway,
I could play Edna Turnblad! Or I could do lighting, I worked the lights
in High School! Please," he said as his eyes started to water, "just give me a shot! Could
you give a little turtle a shot?"
The director stood up slowly, eyes closed as if preparing
to strike an errant dragonfly, drawing
in a long breath as if to shake the very heavens with a
The turtle clattered to the floor of the stage,
his extremities pulled in tight, his shell rocking
forlornly on its plated belly.
The director stopped himself, and exhaled in frustration.
"Somebody take this guy to Chinatown.
Maybe he can
catch a cheap bus to Philly. NEXT!"