A corporate wetware node.
Taken from a Management Strategy presentation
at the Management Excellence Conference, Atlanta, GA. Aug 2001 by Mr. Ira Kelly, CEO of Stimtronics Ltd.
"Since the rise of the very large corporation, one persistant problem has sutbbornly remained. For every dilligent member of the management team there is an equally indolent employee who wastes his time, and more particularly company time repeatedly, frittering away literally thousands of man-hours and many thousands of dollars every year.
"Numerous fine endeavors in human resource management have been tried, tested and rejected. Motivational strategies, both positive and negative employee incentives, huge freedoms and strict curtailments have all been used on the un-productive employee, but to no avail. HR management are at their wit's end, and senior management are no happier about the situation.
"We've all been there. We've all encountered members of our staff who are ... less valued than the others, who hinder rather than actively aid any project.
"Labour laws are making it increasingly difficult to hire and fire at will, so we cannot simply "vote with their notice" as my predecessor used to say.
"No, the modern corporation needs to make their employees work for them, not against them.
"To that end, we at Stimtronics have begun development of "Corporate Wetware", a new product that will allow any corporation the freedom to organise at will without worrying about the wayward attentions and lack of dilligence of it's workers. Wetware Workers Work *With* You!
"Corporate Wetware is a secret development, a fact no doubt emphasised to you on your entry into this conference room. No doubt the armed security guards emphasised our feelings on information leaks about this project. Indeed, we may never go fully public with this product, as it may meet with unfortunate opposition from the general public and the government. However, I am sure that all companies here represented will find the opportunities presented by Corporate Wetware so compelling that any endangerment of the project will be assiduously avoided.
"Corporate Wetware information will come to you by one nominated employee on your management staff, and each company involved will be fully briefed on every stage of the development. It is our hope that together, all companies involved will come to represent a large and collaborative family in the Corporate Wetware World.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you."