Sometimes known as Clitus the
Swarthy, he was a childhood friend of
Alexander the Great. He and Al fought alongside each other, and Clitus saved Al's ass at the Battle of the River Granicus (in the west of modern day
Turkey), by lobbing a
spear into a scimitar-weilding
Persian horseman who was about to embed the aforementioned scimitar into Al's
skull.
Al and his
band of
Macedonians and
Greeks were in
winter quarters, having just conquered all of
Persia and being right about to conquer all of western
India. The
Macedonians, some assorted
Greeks, and some conquered
Persians,
Bactrians, et al. were hanging out, eating some tasty Greek
fruit. Some of the
Macedonians were singing
songs and
joking about another group of
Macedonians who were beaten by a
gang of
Barbarians.
Al thought it was great, and told them to sing some more, but Clitus protested, saying they shouldn't be making fun of
Macedonians in the presence of
Persians.
You have to understand that while
Alexander was king, he wasn't a king like we think of
kings,
autocratic, throwing his weight around,
beheading people because it's
fun, etc. The Macedonian king was the commander of the
army and that was about his only power. The
Macedonians prided themselves that the king was basically just another
guy like them, and they could poke fun at him and treat him like he was the
drinking buddy that he was.
For the
Persians, the King was the
master of the universe. Everyone in
Persia was literally considered the
slave of the king.
Alexander understood this, and he knew that that was how the
Persians were used to dealing with their
monarch. So when he presented himself to
Persians, he did so in
purple robes, had people
bang their heads on the ground, and kiss his
big toe.
This
freaked the
Macedonians out something proper, but
Al actually knew what he was doing.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, a
drunken Clitus was berating an equally
drunken Alexander, saying he shouldn't make fun of
Macedonians in front of the
barbarians.
Al says something the equivalent of, "Well, them dudes was
pussies, and I can see you sticking up for them, you being a
pussy as well." Clitus says, "Listen,
dickhead, I'll have you know you'd have an
axe in your
skull were it not for this
pussy. You're only
half the man your
dad was." Very bad move, Clitus.
Al is quivering with
rage at this point. "You'll
pay for that," he says. "Oh, we've all paid enough already," Clitus says. "Having to beg the
damned Persians to be able to see their own king."
Al can contain himself no more, and throws a
spear at Clitus,
killing him instantly. Al sobered up instantly realizing what he'd done and
sobbed at the loss of his friend all night and all the next day.