We here at BlackRage
know that you live a sedentary lifestyle, spending most of your time clawing your way through the internet
, trying to find a glimmer
of hopeful meaning in your sad sad life. This probably means that your body has the consistency, roughly, of cookie-dough
We also know that while Jebus
loves all God's children, he most certainly DOES NOT love a fatty
To get yourself back in the good graces of Jebus (and the pants
of the opposite sex) we're proud to introduce the latest craze in home exercise
, THE CHRISTMASTER 2000!
"Got any tape? 'Cuz I'm ripped!
" Comments like these could have been heard coming from the mouth of that most holy muscle-beach
icon, Jesus Christ
himself. He allowed equal parts time for exorcism
and exercise, and so should you! Our man Jesus wasn't afraid of a little hard work, and as the gospel of Thomas
testifies, the entire world is the temple of Jesus... and that includes your flabby body, buck-o! On Sunday, you should be in the judeo-christian
church of your choice, flexing your spiritual muscle; but three times a week, you should be working hard to remake yourself
in the image of the Cut Christ... history dictates that those washboard abs
you see on the crucifix
came at the cost of only 20 minutes a day, three days a week!
HOW IT WORKS
Some youth and church camp
s like to re-enact the Trial of Jesus
wherein he carried his own large, heavy wooden cross to Golgotha
. Little do these ministries know that they are also teaching good exercise habits! No cross-carrying will be a trial once enrolled in the CHRISTMASTER 2000 Cross Training Program!
The function is simple: Once you recieve the CHRISTMASTER 2000, three days a week for twenty
minutes a day, all you have to do is carry the CHRISTMASTER 2000 around on your back! The simplicity of this program allows you the freedom to use the CHRISTMASTER 2000 anywhere: a few laps around the house
, while hitting
the track, or even in YOUR VERY OWN LIVING ROOM
! Only $149.99 each!
Coming soon: Jamming For Jesus with Amy Grant! Workout with your CHRISTMASTER 2000 to the Christ-lovin' pop songs of this Diocese Diva!
UNMATCHED, STYLISH VARIETY
You can get your very own CHRISTMASTER 2000 in any one of EIGHT CUSTOM DESIGNS!
And for you non-christians out there, don't think we've left you out! We've got TWO machines specifically for you dirty heathen
For the Blessed Be
es in our purchasing audience, we proudly offer the DIRTY PAGAN
MASTER 2000! This functions exactly like the ChristMaster, but with one small setback... it's made out of Solid Silver!
So not only do you have to pay more than our good Christian
customers, but you have to suffer more to achieve true bodily harmony. But hell, at least the Cut Christ will approve of one aspect of your sandalwood
-stinking existence! Only $665.95!
And for our Jewish
fans, we give you the JEWMASTER 5760! But this is a special deal: you kill
ed him, so you get to suffer the most! Your JEWMASTER 5760 is made of SOLID 24k GOLD
and weighs a little over 2 and a half ton
s! Sure, the shipping price is insane, but send a real message of apology to The Jebus
... come and get it yourself! Then carry it back home! Not only will you need a band-aid
(because you'll be fucking CUT by the time you get to temple
) but this will buy your way into the true christian heaven
for sure! Then laugh at all your heathen friends. And yes, you have to keep carrying it on Sabbath
until you get home! Only $12,900!
Stay tuned for the latest innovation
in low-impact toning programs: The Christ-Trac! And remember to SWEAT AWAY YOUR SIN with BlackRage!
Lord does NOT love a fatty.
In fact, he laughs at you.