If the universe turns out to be just a big existential game being played out over the centuries by some giant omnipotent beings, and we are all just tokens being moved around the board for their amusement, I hope that they put all the pieces away properly when they're done, because I would hate to spend eternity smashed between the couch cushions with some stale Fruit Loops and a half-chewed Sugar Daddy.

Chocolate-Covered Musings was an e-column filled with random, Jack Handey-esque deep thoughts written by Nick DeCamp. They originally appeared on the now defunct humor website amused.com. I discovered Chocolate-Covered Musings in high school while avoiding my studies and archived them. I now present a few of these long-lost gems so that your hilarity, too, may ensue:

I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial, advantageous, valuable items I have in my home is a thesaurus.

I'm glad we have lots of computers now and are in the Information Age, because I was getting really tired of that other age we were in, and I owed a lot of people money.

A good lucky number is 372.09. Don't use it though because it's mine.

As I stood there alone gazing up into the night sky, the stars seemed to spell out a message for me. "Put your pants back on." And you know, they were right.

If you give man a fish, he eats for a day. But give him a magical fish that grants wishes, that would be really cool.

I think a great name to have would be Hans. Then if someone asked you your name, you could just hold up your hands. Then they would say, "Ten?" Then you would shake your head no. People are stupid sometimes.

I'll never forget the day Uncle Ned had that big eight-point buck in his sights. Nobody moved a muscle or made a peep. He squeezed that trigger so gently and then BLAM! He blew that stuffed deer right off the lodge wall. Then we all laughed and had a beer.

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