I haven't slept in two days. This is what happens at 5 a.m. to someone like me... It'll be hit or miss with most of you, but I don't really give a shit about its reputation as long as a few of you appreciate them. In any case...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ who?
Jesus Christ...Lord and Savior...died for all your sins...son of God...ring a bell?
No, sorry.  Look, I don't want your stupid Amway crap.
Jim?Who are you talking to?
No one, honey. Go back to bed.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ben Folds
Ben Folds who?
Ben Folds my laundry after i'm done doing laundry.
What are you doing here, Ben Folds?
Nothing. What are you doing here?
I live here. Where else would I be?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Courtney Cox.
Courtney Cox who?
No, I meant Nikki Cox, not Courtney Cox. I'm sorry.
Oh, you still look a lot like Courtney Cox, though. Weird.
Yeah, it is weird. I get that a lot, actually.
Ok, bye.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
God who?
God...the creator of the universe, duh.
Fuck, really?
No. Haha. It's me, Jim.
Good one, Jim.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kirstie Alley.
Kirstie Alley who?
Kirstie alley had a coat hanger abortion in the alley.
Oh you, again. Come in.

Knock knock.
Fucking Christ... Annie, get the fucking door.
No, you get the door.
Fuck you, get the door, dammit.
Who's there?
Tom Cruise
Leave us alone. We don't want to join.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Jody Foster
Jody Foster who?
Jody Foster parents always treated her as an outsider and never considered her a real part of the family, causing her severe psychological damage.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Heather Graham
Heather Graham who?
Heather graham cracker
Wow, I didn't see that one coming.
You didn't see what one coming?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lisa Kudrow
Lisa Kudrow who?
Lisa Kudrow really fast on her college's rowing team.
Really? I used to row on my college's team, too.
Wow, that's cool. I didn't know that.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Winona Ryder
Winona Ryder who?
Winona ryder truck filled with high-grade explosives intended to be used in a horrific act of domestic terrorism.
That's a long name.
Well you know what they say about girls with long names, don't you?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tara Reid
Tara Reid who?
Tara Reid more books cause you're not very intelligent.
Ok. Thanks for the tip.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Brooke Shields
Brooke Shields who?
Brooke shields herself from the brutal reality that is her life by finding solace in meaningless material goods and the never-ending pursuit of more and more wealth. But, little does she know, all the beachside condominiums and all-night fuck-for-all's cannot ease the ever-growing pain she feels at the end of each pointless and purposeless day, a pain that will never be satisfied by her decadence, a pain that will remain until the day she dies.  

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tori Spelling
Tori Spelling who?
That's my name. Tori Spelling. There's no more to it.
Why are you here?
My dad said there was an audition for Teenkids, a new teenage drama on Fox in which teens go to high school and endure various hardships and learn life lessons and whatnot.
Hmmm... I'm sorry, you must have the wrong address.
Are you sure? Is this 1212 King Dr.?
Yes, but this is New York. You want 1212 King Dr. in Los Angeles.
Oh you're right. Thanks. Sorry.
No problem. Good luck!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tim Allen
Tim Allen who?
Tim Allen, the guy from Home Improvement.
Oh hey, Tim. What's up?
Can i mow your lawn or clean up around the house or anything? I just need $20.
Umm... I'm not sure, Tim. Lemme ask the Mrs. and see if anything needs doing.
Yeah, you can mow our lawn if you'd like.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stephen Dorff
Stephen Dorff who?
Stephen Dorff Goes Fishing.
Hey, are you related to Stephen Dorf Goes Auto Racing?
Yep, that's me.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hugh Grant
Hugh Grant who?
Hugh Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tom Hanks.
Tom Hanks who?
Tom Hanks for being such a good friend, man. You've always been there for me when I needed you.
Don't mention it, dude. That's what best buds are for.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Bruce Willis
Bruce Willis who?
Bruce Willis be enough for a tip, do you think?
I don't know. Is it %15?
Well yeah, but I think he did an excellent job. I think we should give him a little more.
Well, I did wait for a while for that refill on my Coke.  And he gave me a snotty look when I asked for no onions.
That's true. But still...Let's give him an extra buck.
Yeah, you're right. Good call, Bruce.
Thanks, Bruce.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Elijah wood.
Elijah Wood who?
Elijah Wood you mind giving me a hand moving this couch real quick?
No problem, Dad.
Thanks, Son.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.