All of them. Without a single exception. They all deserve bowel cancer so they die shitting blood.

Car clampers are not even the scum of the earth. They are the bacteria that clings to that scum. If this was Nazi Germany, they would all be in the SS (and would probably brag about how many Untermenschen they, personally, have been involved in gassing). If the word "hatred" was inscribed on every nanoangstrom of my being ten thousand times over, it would not equal one half of one percent of the sheer contempt I feel for these human vermin.

Car clampers work like this - you park somewhere that strictly you oughtn't, then along comes the clamper and his thuggish mates, and slaps a wheelclamp on your car. He then, effectively, holds your car to ransom until you fork over extortionate sums of cash as a "call out fee," "release fee," or similar nonsense. However, resort to self help in the form of an angle grinder and they'll get all butthurt and play the victim and make a huge song and dance about it and call the plods on you for criminal damage.

Some particularly scummy clampers, and these are the people who actually deserve to be waterboarded with hydrofluoric acid, will sneak up on moving vehicles, block them in with vans or large cars, clamp them, then extort the drivers out their money. The Police generally fail to get involved because "it's a civil matter" and they're to busy attending a seminar on racism.

Legally, they cover their arses by putting up a small sign in an out of the way place indicating that if you park in the area of which their (kangaroo) jurisdiction runs, you're agreeing to be clamped, towed, and to pay extortionate parking charges. Often the clampers are called in as contractors to the plot of land that another company doesn't want people to park on for whatever reason, and then turns a blind eye to the clampers' semi-legalised extortion, which is all well and good as often they're reputable businesses. And if you challenge them on this, they'll point you in the direction of some rangy bloke called Steve or Sid who'll shout and threaten and intimidate until you fork over cash and will then brag about how people like you pay for his Mercedes and Rolex. Oh, and they only ever accept cash, because most of them are probably not declaring this income to Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs like the lying, cheating, thuggish wastes of arms and legs that they are.

Since 2001, all car clampers in the UK have had to be registered with the Security Industry Authority but that august body are about as effective as a three-way mirror is to a leper. Report them to the Police for unlicensed clamping and nothing will get done, because that would require Inspector Knacker to do far too much paperwork. Ugh.

So, what do you do if you fall foul of a car clamper? Here's your options:

  1. Pay it and shut up. But this gives them a moral victory, encouraging them, and they'll probably pocket the money and insist on paying more before it's released for some arcane reason that nobody ever mentioned beforehand, because they're lying little shits.
  2. Saw the clamp off. Probably gets you arrested for criminal damage (it's an easy nick) and then beaten up by the clampers, because they're thuggish little cunts.
  3. Go to Court and take out an injunction requiring them to release your car. Much as I'd love to see their face as I serve them and/or commit them to prison for contempt of court when they don't, and then see their anuses stretched to the size of dinner plates by an 18-stone chappie who teaches them how "fist" can be a verb, this would take time and they'd probably just tow your car and crush it to spite you after they've been served, because they're cut from the same cloth as slum landlords who carry out unlawful evictions (and I have first hand experience of those worthies, oh yes.) Also, there's a £150 court fee for filing that injunction application, legal fees, etc. etc., and I doubt very much that the clamper will pay your costs even if the Court orders him to (which is no guarantee in itself). And he'd then probably try to dissipate his assets anyhow.
  4. Round up some tough pals and waylay them with crowbars and tyre irons. You all end up being done for GBH. Although I'm sure that particular clamper won't be extorting anyone else much more, on account of he'll be quadraspazzed and on a lifeglug. I would not advise this course of action, but if you think the social good that comes from taking a scumbag extortionist rip-off merchant out of circulation outweighs the risk of a lengthy jail term, then that is your moral dilemma.

In Scotland, there has been some progress on this issue, as private car clamping is illegal north of the border, I am told, but alas, in our green and pleasant land this sort of stuff will remain business as usual for some time to come.

So, to sum up - Clampers = Bacteria. That's all you need to know. And if you're a clamper and you're reading this, I hope you see your house on CNN.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.